Mask Off

Hi.

 

Yes, I did choose that title because I listened to Future on my way home, and NO, this post is NOT about what he raps about. It came on my Spotify for a reason, and I thought it would be appropriate seeing that Halloween occurred this week as well. So, let’s get to it.

 

Ever feel like you’re so…EXTRA…that you can’t keep your cool. You’re extra sad, extra mad, extra overwhelmed, extra any negative emotion you can think of that you LITERALLY want to explode. Or implode. Either or. That was me today. It’s been a LONG week. So, long, that it’s honestly felt like two work weeks worth in one. And it’s been like that for a few weeks now.

 

It’s safe to say that I am a “Yes Woman”. And I’m fully aware and acknowledging of that. I do NOT LIKE saying no when people ask me to help them with something. If I think it’s at all possible, I will say yes to help that person out. Well, I mayyyyyy have taken on one too many things this week. Even when I woke up today, I was done. So, by the time I actually got to work, I was SOOOO done. I managed to somehow get through the day without totally blowing up or breaking down, but my mask was DEFINITELY off. And people could tell. I pride myself on being able to “black box” things and help pick others up 99% of the time, but that 1% that I can’t, it’s completely obvious. And I don’t know how to change it. I’m either hiding everything or nothing.

 

It’s so freaking cliché, but there’s a quote about being the one who helps pick everyone else up, even when YOU’RE the one who’s broken the whole time. I feel like that’s me. And that 1% of the time when I can’t be the one to pick everyone else up, it’s like I’m being too much to handle. I’m being unreasonable. I’m being too EXTRA. And that’s really freaking hard. People don’t realize the weight I carry by wearing my mask every damn day. And the one day I can’t seem to hold it up to my face, you judge, you get upset, you huff and you puff, and you show your disappointment. Not only is my depression making it hard to want to put one foot in front of the other, but my anxiety of letting everyone down and letting them see me is almost unbearable.

 

So, to the one who wears their mask every day, I’m telling you IT’S OKAY to take your mask off. Scream into the steering wheel, cry into the pillow, punch the punching bag. IT’S OKAY. Let it out. Forget about those people who judge you, scorn you, or become disappointed with you. If they can’t/won’t be there for you on your % days, they don’t deserve you at your 99% days.

 

So, don’t bottle it up. Let everything out. End that % day and fall asleep before you fall completely apart. Then wake up the next day and get back to your 99%. Let’s do this.

 

Love,

Me ❤

Rookie Year, EVERY Year

Ever feel like your stuck in your rookie year? I can’t be the only one, right? The only one that constantly feels like this whole adulthood thing is just a bunch of rookie years piled one on top of the other. Like, being the freshman on the team. The ones who do the clean up of the field after practice. The ones who fill the water bottles. The ones who do the grunt work. Well, unless you’re me. Then you do that freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year. Because I HATED being a freshman and I didn’t want to make anyone else like I did when I was their age. I also have this thing where I don’t like to tell people “no”. So, there’s that.

 

Regardless, it’s EXHAUSTING being the rookie all the time. And as a perfectionist with a NEED to constantly do things, well, perfect, being a rookie SUCKS. I hate feeling like I can’t do anything right. I FINALLY feel like I have things under control, and then a mistake pops up. And then another one. And another one. And another one. Just a snowball fight of mistakes being thrown RIGHT in my face. The more people tell me “it’s alright”, the more upset I get because I know it’s not alright and I always am afraid of what mistake will be the one that ends my employment? And all the while, my anxiety is through the freaking roof. Which, honestly, causes me to make more mistakes, or be more forgetful. Then I feel depressed. My depression tells me that everyone else thinks as little of me as I think of myself. It’s been true and it will always be true.

 

And the self-doubt is never ending. I keep telling myself that I should have the hang of this by now. I should have my life straight by now.

 

But I don’t.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE learning, growing, and becoming the person God made me to be. I’m just having trouble becoming who I was made to be because I never feel like I have a grip on the present. I spend ALL my time preparing for the future by reflecting on the past. I need time to STOP. I need everything to stop for one freaking minute. Just one. So, I can take a deep breath and listen to what I’m being told and where I’m being guided to. But that’s not possible. I just feel like I’m stuck in this never ending cycle of self obliteration. One where I don’t have time to build myself back up after I’ve been broken down. So, I put together what I can and keep trying to run on empty. When is this going to end? Maybe the better question is WILL it ever end? Or will I be stuck in my rookie year forever? God, I hope not.

 

Love,

Me ❤

Ripping Off The Bandage

Hi there!

 

So, it’s been quite a while since I’ve been on here. It’s been quite a while since I’ve shared my struggles. My triumphs. My happy times. My not so happy times.
Well, boy has a lot happened. I have been thinking what to say to get started all week. I’ve been thinking about what I want to say. What to write about. What to share. And even in this moment, I have no freaking clue what to write, but my heart is still being tugged to share my words. So, that’s what I’m doing. I’m ripping the bandage off the wound I’ve had covered up for over a year with the hopes this might reach you. The one who’s been feeling alone. The one who’s been feeling useless, unworthy, used, abused, hurt and any combination imaginable. Well, I’m here to let you know, for real, that you are NOT alone. You are NOT useless. You are NOT unworthy. You do NOT deserved to be used, abused, or hurt. Ever. So, here goes nothing.

 

I started this post by reading through all of my old posts and at first I felt embarrassed because, well, that’s how I feel about anything I’ve done. I rarely feel proud of something I’ve done because it could ALWAYS be better. We’re human. I’m human. But I don’t like to hold myself to human standards. Ever feel like you’re not enough? Yeah. Me too. Like all the time? Yeah. Me too.

 

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we push ourselves to work three jobs? Why do we push ourselves to ALWAYS say “yes”. Why do we let ourselves work over 50 hours a week, every week? Well, my friend, we do this because it’s our only mode of survival. We work ourselves to death because we’re scared of getting let go if we say “no”. Then, once our bodies shut down, we succumb to the idea that we’re failures. Cue the panic. Our anxiety TELLS us we’re failures. And that’s where the black hole opens. It opens up to our depression. And the depression TELLS us we’ve always been failures and we’ll always be failures. Why even try? Why even get out of bed? Whey even go to work? What’s the point. Everyone would be better off without us.

 

Then we talk to our psychiatrist that we see on a monthly basis and tell them we need more meds, because the meds are the only thing that’s worked. And, well, they tell us no. Well, damn. If my psych won’t even help me, then WHAT AM I DOING HERE? WHY AM I EVEN TRYING? They tell you that you need therapy. But you don’t WANT therapy because therapy means missing work. Missing work means work piles up. Work piling up means being fired. Being fired means losing the house. Losing the house means losing my family. Losing my family means the end of my everything. Again, cue the panic.

 

This is MY LIFE. Every damn day. I pray on it. I ask others to pray on it. I pray that one day I won’t feel this way. One day I’ll believe people when they say I’m enough. One day. One day. One day.

 

Today is not that day, but damn it feels good to be back. THIS is my therapy. Writing to YOU, whoever you are, is my therapy. And for that I thank you. Same time next week? Cool. I’ll be there. Until then, take care.

 

Love,

Me ❤

Revived

Hi.

 

So, again, it’s been a while since I’ve written. I’m sorry for that. 😦 This week, I had the opportunity to speak at Coppin State University about my personal struggle with mental illness and the affect it had on me as a college student. I was honored to be able to speak and truly amazed at the turn out and feedback I received. I have spoken many times before on many different platforms, but this one in particular resonated with me. The discussion was frank, the questions were deep, and the performances were heart breaking, yet beautiful.

 

I was once again revived.

 

I was reminded that I am not the only one who struggles. Depression and anxiety do not only affect me. It affects EVERYONE. These mental illnesses and other mental illnesses do not discriminate. They will go after you, no matter who you are, what you look like, where you live, or how strong you are. They will come after you, grab a hold, and not let go.

 

The key is to not give up, and to not feel bad for feeling this way. For a moment at the event at Coppin, I caught myself feeling like a terrible person for being depressed because so many people have it worse than me. And they do. But that should not discount my suffering. I don’t need to make excuses. I don’t want a pity party. But, I need to understand that I am a person who is suffering too, and that cannot be taken away from me.

 

Revival is a funny thing. It brings a sense of re-birth, but this particular revival did not give me a clean slate. Especially on (rainy) days like today. I find it super hard to get out of bed, to get to work, and to feel motivated. So, I continue to push forward; make myself get up, get dressed, get to work, and do my best. It’s not easy, but it can be done (most of the time).

 

Moral of this entry: Don’t give up, don’t discount yourself, and know it’s okay to be suffering, others are right there beside you.

 

Love,

Me ❤

Inadequate

Inadequate. That’s how I feel. And it sucks.

 

I feel inadequate in my work (all three jobs).

I feel inadequate as a fiancee.

I feel inadequate as a daughter.

I feel inadequate as an adult.

 

Now, I know that when my parents, fiance, friends, and co-workers read this, they will more than likely say, “You’re fine! You’re just overreacting!” but the bottom line is this is how I’m feeling.

I’m not going to put my business about my fiance and my parents out there because that is something I need to deal with internally. But as far as my jobs and my adult-ing, that I need to let out.

I make mistakes at work and I feel as if all of my mistakes are pointed out to me, and I am constantly judged for the decisions I make. I try to take on more responsibility and I am shunned. I try to help the patients and I am pulled away and told that I’m too soft. I try to help the clients and I’m told that I’m not pushy enough. When did being nice and “soft” become something to be ashamed of? All my life I wanted to help people, I wanted to make people happy. I went to college to get a Psychology degree to learn how to professionally help people and it got me a job that I’m looked down upon for attempting to treat the patients with the best care and compassion I can. I’m confused. Why does being soft have to be so negative. Why does showing that I care and that I understand have to be something that I should change? I’m so tired of me being me, not being enough.

I am constantly being reminded that I spend too much money, and I get it. I do. I am the first person to admit that I am an impulsive spender and I spend on stupid shit I do not need because I am more blessed and spoiled than anyone I know. I am a hard worker, but I have been given most things in life. I did earn my grades, and I earned my job by interviewing and showing my compassion, but a lot of other things, I was given. I understand that I have barely any bills right now, especially for a 23 year old, but I’m trying my best to deal with what I have. I do not want to get myself too deep in the hole, but I want to live a life full of things that bring me and my family happiness. Whether that be an evening together playing UNO, or a night out at dinner. I don’t want money to define my activities to a certain extent. I understand this is the perspective of a young, white, privileged female, but that is what I am and this is how I choose to live. I wish I had more self control when it came to spending, and I know that I will get there. I’ll get there when I am down to my last pack of Ramen Noodles and me and my fiance have to split it for dinner until we get paid the next day. I know that day will come, but for right now, I’m just trying to take things step by step and learn how to control my money as it comes. Until the day I have to skip dinner, I’m going to keep buying myself the McChickens and Subway subs to keep my body healthy.

 

I know this was a huge rant and none of it made any sense, but I had to write or I would not be able to fall asleep before my 16 hour shift tomorrow. And for that many hours of work and working on day 4 of a 10 day long streak without a break, I need as much sleep as I can get. Thanks for reading. I just needed someone to write to.

 

Love,

Me

Hello from the outside…

Hi friends.

I haven’t written in literally forever, and I apologize for that. I had been doing so well. Like so well. I was actually happy for what felt like once in my life. But, fall happened. And Adele’s new song happened. And job changes happened. And BIG life changes happened. These are all positive things. I mean who doesn’t like fall? And who doesn’t LOVE Adele’s new song (because I’ve had it on repeat for the entire night)? And who doesn’t like getting a job in your degree field? And lastly, who doesn’t like getting ENGAGED? All of these things have brought me so many blessings and such happiness, but there is still this lingering depression that, as soon as the sunlight began to disappear, came tapping me on the shoulder. My depression was like, “Oh hey there! Miss me? I’m back!”

I’ve had 3 days off this week, and I have one more off tomorrow before back to the work grind. Which is awesome! I mean, 4 days off? What is life? But as much as I have had my friends, family, and my fiance encouraging me to get out and go for a walk, or just sit outside and enjoy the beautiful weather we’ve been having, I had trouble getting out of bed all week this week. I tried to brush it off, “Oh, you worked 50 hours last week, you’re just catching up,” but in reality I was beginning my vicious winter cycle of sleeping every chance I get. It did not hit me until I read this AMAZING article published on TWLOHA’s Facebook page.

https://twloha.com/blog/five-lies-depression-told-me/?utm_content=buffer5bc88&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

I lay in bed, listening to Adele (basic, I know), crying reading this article because it is so f***ing true, I could not hold my emotions back any longer. I had to let my depression in. I had to let it take over.

I have been forced to hide my depression at my new job for reasons that are totally understandable, but it is so hard. I want to help these girls by sharing my story because not only is it healing for me, but it may provide healing for them as well. But all of that is part of something that I cannot control. I’m sorry for the mini side rant.

Regardless, I need to just acknowledge my depression and accept it again. I had some idea in my head that finding my one, getting engaged and planning a wedding would solve my depression (knowing better, all the while). My fiance has been amazing, and takes the best care of me. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am so thankful for him. He is always cognizant of my mental illness and forgives me when I sleep the day away regardless of what he wants to do among a gazillion other things. I love you, baby. Forever and Always.

So, for those of you who take the time to read this, thank you. And let me help you, help me accept my mental illness and work towards living in acceptance. Once I accept myself and my mental illness, maybe others will accept the idea of mental illness too. Who knows?

Love,

Me

P.S. My favorite part of the article on TWLOHA’s page was this…

“I wasn’t a good enough wife.

I wasn’t a good enough friend.

I wasn’t a good enough daughter/granddaughter/niece/co-worker.

The critical things people said to me or about me, the mean things they wrote — those were the truest parts of who I was. The niceties, the compliments, and the solid, unwavering support of those who always had my back were all instances of temporary kindness. I was and could only be an obligation,” (Jensen, 2015)

Cheers

Hi everyone.

I am so sorry I have not written in so long. To be honest, I have been happy and have not felt the need to use this as a release for my depression. That mixed with finals, graduation, and vacations, this blog has gotten away from me.

I hope you all are doing well and that you all are finding ways to release your anguish the same way I have. With that being said, I really would like to address one thing that has really been bothering me. Growing up. Let’s face it. As a college graduate, it sucks, but when I was a kid, all I wanted to do was grow up. I wanted to be older. I was always trying to rush life and I am sure I am not alone. I was babysitting some of the sweetest, most fun kids I have ever encountered. The oldest one who was nine and a half was dying to be called a teen. I did not inquire as to why, I merely laughed and said “Don’t grow up too quickly!” The mom agreed and laughed along with me.

It bothers me that society pushes us to grow up much quicker than we need to. We are always striving to be older, prettier, skinnier, stronger, etc. Why? Why do we need to be anything different than who we were meant to be? I hate to bring my personal spiritual beliefs into this, but I believe that some sort of higher power made us how we are. Why would they make us in a poor fashion so that we would struggle our whole lives to be something “better”. Why are we never good enough as is? I am not trying to say that we should be lazy and not try to be nicer, more caring individuals because striving to be the best we can be, and treating others with the utmost respect, is important to an extent. I just believe that it should not consume our whole being. When will we realize we are good enough? When will I realize that I am good enough? It is a super shitty process to be honest, but I am assuming it just takes time. I am 22 years old now and still cannot stand how I look physically and still do not believe I am worthy of a quarter of the praise I receive. It is hard to have this much self-hatred, but it is what I deal with on a daily basis. I did not write this for compliments and praise. For anyone who knows me, you know that I hate compliments. I feel awkward taking them and I never believe them, no matter who says them. I do not like being lied to (not that anyone does like being lied to) and I feel like all compliments are lies.

Continuing on, I want to be the unbiased individual to tell you that you are perfect just as you are. You do not have to grow up to be the perfect version of yourself. You are perfect in your current stated. You are perfect being who you are and doing what you do right now as you are. I hope hearing this may spark something in you, just as I am waiting for a spark in me to get rid of all of the self hatred I constantly feel for myself. Maybe try complimenting  yourself and see how that goes for you. I believe in you. For those of you self-loathing, we can get through this together and learn to love the part of life we are at right now. Teamwork makes the dream work, so let’s go team. Cheers to not growing up too fast, and loving who we are in this very moment!

Love,

Me 🙂

Dear No One.

“I don’t really like big crowds. I tend to shut people out. I like my space, yeah. But I’d love to have a soul mate, and God’ll give him to me someday, and I know it’ll be worth the wait.” -“Dear No One” by Tori Kelly

Hey.

I have been listening to this song on repeat recently. I am not sure why. I think it helps me feel okay that I do not know what the future holds, and that it is okay that I am suffering right now because it will end up okay.

I am sorry I have not written in a while. I have been suffering more than I ever expected to again. I have not been this bad since my first semester of college when I first went on anti-depressants. Today is the first day in three weeks that I have eaten a full three meals. I hate to get out of bed. The only reason I end up going to class is because I need to get out of my school and graduate. I try to occupy myself by scheduling lunches with friends before classes, so I have a better reason to get out of bed than just to go to class. I sleep all the time. I will come home even for an hour to be able to lay in my bed in my dark basement. I am back on my anti-depressants and have been for about two weeks, but as I am sure some of you know, they do not start fully working for at least four weeks. I am trying to keep myself together, but it is so freaking hard. I hate feeling like this.

When I had my first major battle with the disease we call depression, I was not as well versed in the symptoms and effects of depression. I did not realize that my first semester freshman year when I lost 10 pounds dropping me below 100 pounds, that was a sign. That when I took every chance I got to get into my bed and sleep, that was a sign. That when I cried myself to sleep every night, that was a sign. Now, almost a completed B.A. Psychology degree later, I know these things. I have not been eating, I have been sleeping as much as humanly possible, I have no motivation, and I am often holding back tears. Knowledge is definitely a double edged sword.

I find myself retreating further and further into my head with each day that passes, and I know that is not good, but it’s my only way of survival right now. This retreating kills me a little bit because I love helping others and I love being social, but I have no energy. I do not like to talk to people. I do not like to sit with people, I just want to be in my bed. Alone. Forever. I know that sounds so dramatic and so attention-seeking, but to anyone who has suffered from depression, you probably  understand. It’s more miserable than you can put words to. This whole disease is miserable.

Anyone who has seen me recently, with the exception of my sorority sisters who I disclosed all of this information to, you probably had no idea and that’s how I planned it to be. I pretend to be fine, and smile whenever I am around people I know. I do not need to tell you that I’m suffering more than I ever have. It’s not your load to carry, it is mine.

And now that I have had two major bouts of depression, I will most likely be on my medications for life. I am not sure how I feel about that, but I do not want to keep suffering like this, so I guess it is worth it.

I am sorry that I am not full of inspiring words right now, I am feeling pretty hopeless myself.

But if you are reading this and are suffering, know that it is okay to feel hopeless, but take it from someone in your shoes, there IS a light at the end. We will get there. It will just take some time and perseverance. Let’s kick this disease in the butt. But only whenever you’re ready. Take your time, I am not going anywhere.

Love,

Me

I’m Not The Only One

Hey guys.

So, these last 30 days have easily been some of the roughest and toughest 30 days of my life.

I keep waiting to hit rock bottom. I wish that I would just get there already. Every time I think I hit bottom, and begin to build my life back up, it’s like the ground is pulled from beneath me and I’m left to fall again. I’ve experienced some new lows such as losing the sport I loved for almost 16 years, and some repeating lows, getting dumped…again, and tons of other lows in between. I have to be honest. I’m so freaking sick of crying. So freaking sick of it. I wish my body would stop producing tears so they would stop rolling down my face. (If only that was possible!)

So, obviously after being broken up with today, I can officially say I feel depressed again. Good thing I’m going to see my therapist tomorrow. I am feeling very at a loss. I don’t know how much more I can take. I better get to rock bottom soon because I’m ready to start my rebuilding process. Which I know is a step in the right direction, but I feel like it’s a step I’m taking on molten lava rocks with no shoes or socks on my feet for protection.

Now, as a 22 year old woman who is going to be graduating, I need to focus on myself. But my problem is, I do not know how to focus on myself. My entire being revolves around helping other and focusing on others well-being that mine inevitably falls to the wayside.

With that being said, I’m going to do just that, put you all before myself. I wanted to write this post as an aid to anyone who has been recently (or even not so recently) broken up with.

First of all, I am sorry. It is super shitty. Like one of the worst things in life, shitty. I’ve been cheated on twice, fallen out of love with once, and now, this time, I was just not enough. Everything I do seems to be me not being “enough”. And I know many people that feel that way, but I need you to know, and I need to figure out for myself, that IT IS NOT OUR FAULT. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and IT IS NOT MY FAULT. Sorry for my hyper-capitalization, but I wanted to get my point across. Blaming yourself for others decisions is not what needs to be happening. I’m not saying you should blame the other person because blaming the other person is not going to make anything better, but DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. Whether you have been in my shoes as far as break ups, or maybe your shoes are even stinkier, you will get through this. I promise you that, despite how guarded your heart may be now (I sure as hell know my heart is going to hide away for what seems like forever), there will be another person. It will happen, eventually. I know that is hard to believe now. I personally do not want to think about ever being in a relationship ever again, but my head knows that is just not logical. I am a relationship person. I thrive in relationships, but that does not mean that I cannot learn to thrive outside of one. I know “I’m not the only one” who feels this way, and “I’m not the only one” who can succeed. You can too.

I get that this process will be hard, and it will freaking suck, but learning who I am, and who I want to be as an individual is worth it to me. I think it should also be worth it to you. Unless you’re a twin, you came into this world alone. Yeah, you had your mom’s help with the beginnings of life, and you’re damn right that I am as thankful as anything for that every day (love you with my arms all the way behind my back, Mom), but in the end we only have ourselves. We come in alone, we leave alone. Life is an individual process. You live with people, you date people, you love people, you celebrate with people, you disagree with people, you support people, you marry people, etc, but in all of these things, you’re still your own individual person. I know for a fact I need to learn how to be myself in an individual sense, and maybe, if you’re in a similar place as me, you need to learn that too. And even if you’re not, we can all learn something new about ourselves. We’re constantly changing, so there is constant learning to be done.

So, with that being said, I’m probably going to cry a little bit, then I’ll go to bed, and I will wake up tomorrow (or I guess today since it’s after midnight?), with a new sense of adventure. I’m going to go on an adventure to learn who I am. Do you want to join me in learning who you are?

Hope to see you soon.

Love,

Me

Esse Quam Videri

So, I am very angry writing this blog post. I have tried very hard to keep this drama out of my blogs, but I cannot do it any longer. I have played lacrosse since I was 6 years old. I am now 22. And sadly, I was forced to leave my team this past Thursday evening. When I say forced, I was not actually told to leave the team, but I left because I could not longer stand for the emotional, and verbal abuse I was receiving on a daily basis. My coaches and the freshmen on my former lacrosse team were belittling and degrading me on a daily basis. I was forced to suck up to the freshmen, kiss their feet, and go out of my way to make them comfortable (at my own expense) while they bashed me publicly to other student athletes at my university, and texted me harassing messages on a weekend basis (while they were participating in illegal activities).

I was tired of the abuse, and of course I wanted to stick it out to not appear a quitter, but it had gotten to the point my character was being questioned, and I was not going to “stick that out” any longer. I was tired of crying myself to sleep at night fearing the adversity that I would face at practice the next morning. I cried when I woke up hoping that I would get in a fender bender on the way to practice so I would not make it there in time. I was so tired all the time from all of the crying. I was tired of being treated like shit by not only my coaches, but by the girls who were supposed to be my teammates. I’m sure many of you have seen the article about which I am writing, and if you have read any of my blog posts prior to this one, you will know that I am not someone who is violent; I only want to help people. I feel as if me being so brutally honest with the world about my anxiety and depression has shown that I am a trustworthy person who is always brutally honest. So, take this as you’d like, but Bryan Renbaum’s post is complete and utter bull shit. He took a letter written by one of the freshman’s parents/ Coach  and posted it on an online newspaper. He did not interview anyone but the male head coach, who declined the comments that he attempted to put in his mouth. Not that I am, in any way, standing up for the coach because he has made me cry multiple times, and put myself in physical and emotional danger for the past year and a half.

I came on this women’s lacrosse team for NOTHING. They needed a goalie, and I turned my life upside down to help them out. Quitting my full time job, losing income, switching classes around, missing out on sorority events, everything. Grant it, I could have turned that opportunity down, but I would not have met one of my best friends if I had turned that opportunity down. I have met some amazing women through this program, and the sad part is, my closest friends are the ones being slandered.

I believe I have enough character, and enough respect for myself to not surround myself with violent people. And I have stuck to that. NONE of these girls had any ill intentions, and the freshmen just wanted to get us upperclassman in trouble, and they strive for any little bit of attention they can get.

Many people have asked me why we did not go to the Athletic Director when all of this bullying by the freshmen began. My answer is we could not. We went to the athletic director, assistant athletic director, and the Student Affairs office at UMBC, and they all turned a blind eye last year after my coach threw a stool at a teammate. We went to them and they gave my coach a slap on the wrist. He called us terrible people, weak people, and many other worse names on a daily basis, but none of that abuse was towards the freshmen class, and none of it was taken seriously by the school’s athletic administration.

I am not saying that the things said in our PRIVATE group me were not inappropriate, they were. But they also were meant for our eyes only, and were deleted off of most of our phones a few days after they were said. There was one player whose phone was stolen and the pictures were taken from there. These pictures were taken three weeks after the comments were made, thus they were a mere source of venting so we did not engage in self-destructive behaviors. I am sure that 99% of people have said shit they did not mean because they were speaking from a place of emotion. If you haven’t good for you, but you’re also probably a robot. Humans are made from emotion. Emotion is love. Emotion is hate. Emotion is happiness. Emotion is anger. And emotion is every little thing in between. Emotions are the reason this Earth functions the way it does. If we are going to shit on emotions, then we might as well shit on the whole freaking human race.

I am disgusted with the freshmen class of my team, their parents, the coaches, the athletic administration, and the university administration. All of these people have either purposefully stolen things, slandered women, abused women, or turned their eye to the abuse that was ongoing in order to save their own ass.

I am EXTREMELY thankful that I am graduating in May because after all of this bull shit that my school has tried to sweep under the rug, if I was not a senior, I would most likely transfer. I cannot stand for a school that perpetuates and condones the abuse of young women on a daily basis.

So, basically, as angry as I am, I need to let it go and live my sorority’s motto. Esse quam videri; to be rather than to seem to be. I need to be me because there is only one of me, and despite the mistakes I have made, I’m pretty damn great.

And to all my TRUE teammates out there, you know who you are, be you. Because you’re pretty damn great too.

Love,

Me