Donโ€™t let idiots ruin your day.

I donโ€™t even know ๐’˜๐’‰๐’š Iโ€™m writing this.

Iโ€™ve been going back and forth with posting this for almost a week now.

I knew I would get flack for writing this, people would talk sh*t, theyโ€™d say I was just doing it for attention, whatever. But I had to post this for the one whoโ€™s struggling. The one who hates this time of year because of all the food. The one who hates this time of year because of the family confrontations. The one who just doesnโ€™t think theyโ€™ll make it through another holiday season.

Iโ€™m writing this for ๐’š๐’๐’–.

Last week I went to the doctor for an annual check up, and the doctor said, โ€œ๐‘พ๐’†๐’๐’, ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’๐’๐’๐’š ๐’•๐’‰๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’˜๐’“๐’๐’๐’ˆ ๐’˜๐’Š๐’•๐’‰ ๐’š๐’๐’–๐’“ ๐’‘๐’‰๐’š๐’”๐’Š๐’„๐’‚๐’ ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž ๐’Š๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’š๐’๐’–’๐’—๐’† ๐’ˆ๐’‚๐’Š๐’๐’†๐’… 10๐’๐’ƒ๐’” ๐’”๐’Š๐’๐’„๐’† ๐’š๐’๐’–๐’“ ๐’๐’‚๐’”๐’• ๐’—๐’Š๐’”๐’Š๐’•.โ€

Talk about a punch to the gut (literally, gut). This year has been so hard for so many reasons. And yes, Iโ€™ve gained quite a bit of weight (way more than 10lbs) since March. But letโ€™s call a spade a spade. 2020 has been SHIT for so many reasons.

Maybe youโ€™re not in the same boat as me, but I have struggled with body image and weight since as long as I can remember. Legit, I remember being in elementary school and HATING hitting 50lbs… Now, much heavier than that Iโ€™m still struggling with body image and my โ€œidealโ€ weight.

I was starting to feel betterโ€”Iโ€™m working out 6-7 days a week, eating healthier and although I wasnโ€™t losing any weight, I was feeling better. And THAT made me happy.

Until, my doctor reminded me of that number on the scale. And frankly, it knocked me down. I cried that night before bed. And I got up and worked out harder the next morning.

And then I reached out to some friends and they brought me back to center. ๐‘บ๐’Š๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’“๐’”, ๐’‚๐’๐’˜๐’‚๐’š๐’”.

They helped remind me that there are SO MANY worse things that could have happened than gaining 10lbs. This year has been hard on most people. Weโ€™re living a new way of life. Weโ€™re learning a new normal. And if 10lbs is a part of surviving 2020, ๐’Š๐’• ๐’Š๐’” ๐’˜๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’Š๐’• ๐’‡๐’“๐’†๐’‚๐’Œ๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’Š๐’”.

So, in case youโ€™re in the same spot I was last week, ๐’š๐’๐’– ๐’Ž๐’‚๐’•๐’•๐’†๐’“. Regardless of the number on the scale, the size of your leggings, the love handles over those jeans. ๐’€๐‘ถ๐‘ผ ๐‘ญ๐‘น๐‘ฌ๐‘จ๐‘ฒ๐‘ฐ๐‘ต๐‘ฎ ๐‘ด๐‘จ๐‘ป๐‘ป๐‘ฌ๐‘น. And you always will.

Donโ€™t let idiots ruin your day, especially your Turkey Day. Love you. Exactly as you are.

Love,

Me

What they donโ€™t know…

Hi.

People message me all the time with the sweetest messages about my positive posts on Insta and Facebook. And it truly warms my heart and brings a smile to my face. I love love love that my posts bring positivity and light to others lives. Hearing THAT brings positivity and light to my life. But thereโ€™s a lot people donโ€™t know.

What they donโ€™t know is Iโ€™ve been meaning to write for a while, Iโ€™ve just been totally and completely uninspired.

What they donโ€™t know is thatโ€™s actually putting it mildly. What they donโ€™t know is that Iโ€™ve been totally down and out lately. What they donโ€™t know is my depression has definitely gotten the best of me these last few weeks.

And before you ask, no, nothing tragic has happened, unless you want to count the end of summer as tragic. Iโ€™m just depressed. This always happens this time of yearโ€”one of the fun parts of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Yes, itโ€™s a real thing. Itโ€™s not just something people make up around winter time.

But I donโ€™t even think my SAD has even really kicked in yet. I think Iโ€™m just having a rough time.

Things are good at home. Things are good at work. My family is healthy. My pups are happy. Iโ€™m just…not.

And thereโ€™s nothing anyone can do, so Iโ€™m not posting this for attention. I just have seen a lot of prayer and positive vibes requests across my timeline lately and I want to reach out to each and every one of them and let them know that if theyโ€™re struggling, they are not alone.

However many months into this bullsh*t, itโ€™s okay for us to have rough weeks. Itโ€™s not assumed itโ€™s going to get easier just because itโ€™s our new โ€œnormalโ€. Whatever the eff that means.

So, if youโ€™re like me and you were finally doing well only to have it all fall apart again, itโ€™s okay. You are not alone. Iโ€™m rebuilding right beside you.

What they donโ€™t know is I love you. You matter. You are more than enough.

Love,

Me ๐Ÿ–ค

1-800-273-8255

You matter. You matter. YOU MATTER.

Make the call. Send the text.

It might not seem worth it right now, but trust me, just do it. Reach out. Ask for help.

Hell, message ME.

Donโ€™t let that darkness consume you. You are so damn worthy.

Call- 1-800-273-8255

Love,

Me

Heavy

Hey.

So, I was reading through quotes on Pinterest, per usual, and came across the quote that read, โ€œYesterday is heavy. Put it down.โ€

And I had seen this quote before, but for some reason it hit me hard this time when I read it. Not because yesterday (or today for that matter) were heavy, but because all of 2020 has been freaking heavy.

Like damn. Itโ€™s been hard for a lot of people. Everyone has had their own struggles. Whether itโ€™s been losing a job, losing a loved one, or just the tragedy that is 2020 this shit has been HEAVY.

The problem is, we can only take things one day at a time. And although each day we can โ€œput down yesterdayโ€, itโ€™s hard to โ€œput downโ€ a whole year…

Weโ€™re carrying around the responsibility of wearing masks when doing our shopping. Weโ€™re carrying around the fear of the virus. Weโ€™re carrying around the guilt of privilege. Weโ€™re carrying around fear o cops. Weโ€™re carrying around the fear of the Civil War Part 2. Weโ€™re carrying a lot of shit that most of us have not had to deal with, or at least deal with at this magnitude.

Now, Iโ€™m not saying that these burdens arenโ€™t ours to carry. All Iโ€™m saying is I feel you. I hear you. I see you. Youโ€™re not alone in carrying this load. In times like this, we need to come together like a bunch of garden ants to carry this heavy load TOGETHER. Separating ourselves is the last thing we need right now.

Whether thatโ€™s coming together virtually, or even physically, I think the ability to not feel alone is more important than socially distancing (unpopular opinion, Iโ€™m sure) right now. We need to lean on each other and know we have each otherโ€™s backs.

So, if you made it this far, first, thank you. Second, just a reminder that you are loved. You are worthy. You matter.

Love,

Me

Stuck in the Middle

Hi.

Lately Iโ€™ve been feeling seriously stuck. Stuck in how Iโ€™m feeling about the world. Stuck in how people say we should be acting, reacting, thinking, advocating, fighting, rioting, etc.

Iโ€™m stuck in the middle. Stuck between feeling passionate and feeling muted. I have really strong feelings about shit thatโ€™s going on these days, but with everything going on, I donโ€™t feel like I have the right to share it. But because Iโ€™m not sharing it, it comes off like I donโ€™t care. But I do care. I care a lot about all the shit thatโ€™s likely to start a Civil War Pt. 2. But I want to keep those feelings to myself because I donโ€™t feel like arguing. I donโ€™t feel like being beaten down by people with opposite opinions. Everyone has an opinion, and I care about everyoneโ€™s opinion, but I donโ€™t want to be suffocated with itโ€”which is all that happens when you share your opinion on social media.

Youโ€™re like a metaphorical punching bag getting the shit beat out of you, while also throwing yourself in front of punches aimed at your friends and family who are also trying to respectfully share their opinions as well. Frankly, Iโ€™m over it. And I have been for a while. I donโ€™t remember the last time I shared anything political on my pages, and I donโ€™t plan on sharing anything political for a long time to come.

Itโ€™s not worth the bullying. Itโ€™s not worth the pain. Itโ€™s not worth the tears. Itโ€™s not worth the anxiety attacks. And itโ€™s not worth the BULL SHIT people put you through when you try to express your opinion.

Because in reality, everyone has an opinion, but no one wants to hear itโ€”they just want to brainwash you with their opinion that they deem factual.

So, here I am. Stuck in the middle. With lots of passions and nowhere to express them.

So, if you feel stuck in the middle, I hear you. I see you. I feel you. Your opinion matters. You matter.

Love,

Me โ™ฅ๏ธ

To me, 9 years ago…

Hi.

So, earlier today I saw on Facebook someone I am friends with posted a status that read, โ€œWhat would you tell your 18 year old self?โ€

And that stopped me in my tracks. Iโ€™m not quite sure why it hit me the way it did, but it did.

It really got me thinking, โ€œWhat would I tell 18 year old me?โ€โ€”Who at this time would be working her butt off getting ready for her first year of collegiate lacrosse, had recently been broken up with by her high school boyfriend, and who was leaving behind the state and everyone inside of it that she has known her whole entire life. What would I tell this sad, yet excited, yet terrified girl to remember as she climbed the mountain of the next few months?

First semester of freshman year of college would turn out to be one of the most challenging of my whole life so far (but thatโ€™s a story for another day…) So, hindsight being 20/20, what would I say to this young, naรฏve girl? After some thought, hereโ€™s what I would tell her…

1. ๐’€๐‘ถ๐‘ผ ๐‘จ๐‘น๐‘ฌ ๐‘พ๐‘ถ๐‘น๐‘ป๐‘ฏ๐’€.

2. ๐’€๐‘ถ๐‘ผ ๐‘จ๐‘น๐‘ฌ ๐‘ณ๐‘ถ๐‘ฝ๐‘ฌ๐‘ซ.

3. ๐’€๐‘ถ๐‘ผ ๐‘พ๐‘ฐ๐‘ณ๐‘ณ ๐‘ฉ๐‘ฌ ๐‘ฏ๐‘จ๐‘ท๐‘ท๐’€.

4. ๐‘ฐ๐‘ป ๐‘พ๐‘ฐ๐‘ณ๐‘ณ ๐‘ฎ๐‘ฌ๐‘ป ๐‘ฉ๐‘ฌ๐‘ป๐‘ป๐‘ฌ๐‘น.

5. ๐’€๐‘ถ๐‘ผ๐‘น ๐‘ท๐‘ถ๐‘ท๐‘ผ๐‘ณ๐‘จ๐‘น๐‘ฐ๐‘ป๐’€ ๐‘ซ๐‘ถ๐‘ฌ๐‘บ ๐‘ต๐‘ถ๐‘ป ๐‘ซ๐‘ฌ๐‘ญ๐‘ฐ๐‘ต๐‘ฌ ๐’€๐‘ถ๐‘ผ.

I donโ€™t say any of these things to change my path. I met one of my best friends that first semester. I learned a lot about trust, doing what I want FOR ME, standing up for myself, and not taking any shit from anyone. I donโ€™t regret a thing, and wouldnโ€™t change that semester for the world, but these were things I wish I could have reminded this young girl.

What would you tell your 18 year old self if you could? Not to change your future, just as a guardian angel to give some guidance?

Love,

Me โœŒ๐Ÿผ