What they don’t know…

Hi.

People message me all the time with the sweetest messages about my positive posts on Insta and Facebook. And it truly warms my heart and brings a smile to my face. I love love love that my posts bring positivity and light to others lives. Hearing THAT brings positivity and light to my life. But there’s a lot people don’t know.

What they don’t know is I’ve been meaning to write for a while, I’ve just been totally and completely uninspired.

What they don’t know is that’s actually putting it mildly. What they don’t know is that I’ve been totally down and out lately. What they don’t know is my depression has definitely gotten the best of me these last few weeks.

And before you ask, no, nothing tragic has happened, unless you want to count the end of summer as tragic. I’m just depressed. This always happens this time of year—one of the fun parts of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Yes, it’s a real thing. It’s not just something people make up around winter time.

But I don’t even think my SAD has even really kicked in yet. I think I’m just having a rough time.

Things are good at home. Things are good at work. My family is healthy. My pups are happy. I’m just…not.

And there’s nothing anyone can do, so I’m not posting this for attention. I just have seen a lot of prayer and positive vibes requests across my timeline lately and I want to reach out to each and every one of them and let them know that if they’re struggling, they are not alone.

However many months into this bullsh*t, it’s okay for us to have rough weeks. It’s not assumed it’s going to get easier just because it’s our new “normal”. Whatever the eff that means.

So, if you’re like me and you were finally doing well only to have it all fall apart again, it’s okay. You are not alone. I’m rebuilding right beside you.

What they don’t know is I love you. You matter. You are more than enough.

Love,

Me 🖤

1-800-273-8255

You matter. You matter. YOU MATTER.

Make the call. Send the text.

It might not seem worth it right now, but trust me, just do it. Reach out. Ask for help.

Hell, message ME.

Don’t let that darkness consume you. You are so damn worthy.

Call- 1-800-273-8255

Love,

Me

Heavy

Hey.

So, I was reading through quotes on Pinterest, per usual, and came across the quote that read, “Yesterday is heavy. Put it down.”

And I had seen this quote before, but for some reason it hit me hard this time when I read it. Not because yesterday (or today for that matter) were heavy, but because all of 2020 has been freaking heavy.

Like damn. It’s been hard for a lot of people. Everyone has had their own struggles. Whether it’s been losing a job, losing a loved one, or just the tragedy that is 2020 this shit has been HEAVY.

The problem is, we can only take things one day at a time. And although each day we can “put down yesterday”, it’s hard to “put down” a whole year…

We’re carrying around the responsibility of wearing masks when doing our shopping. We’re carrying around the fear of the virus. We’re carrying around the guilt of privilege. We’re carrying around fear o cops. We’re carrying around the fear of the Civil War Part 2. We’re carrying a lot of shit that most of us have not had to deal with, or at least deal with at this magnitude.

Now, I’m not saying that these burdens aren’t ours to carry. All I’m saying is I feel you. I hear you. I see you. You’re not alone in carrying this load. In times like this, we need to come together like a bunch of garden ants to carry this heavy load TOGETHER. Separating ourselves is the last thing we need right now.

Whether that’s coming together virtually, or even physically, I think the ability to not feel alone is more important than socially distancing (unpopular opinion, I’m sure) right now. We need to lean on each other and know we have each other’s backs.

So, if you made it this far, first, thank you. Second, just a reminder that you are loved. You are worthy. You matter.

Love,

Me

Stuck in the Middle

Hi.

Lately I’ve been feeling seriously stuck. Stuck in how I’m feeling about the world. Stuck in how people say we should be acting, reacting, thinking, advocating, fighting, rioting, etc.

I’m stuck in the middle. Stuck between feeling passionate and feeling muted. I have really strong feelings about shit that’s going on these days, but with everything going on, I don’t feel like I have the right to share it. But because I’m not sharing it, it comes off like I don’t care. But I do care. I care a lot about all the shit that’s likely to start a Civil War Pt. 2. But I want to keep those feelings to myself because I don’t feel like arguing. I don’t feel like being beaten down by people with opposite opinions. Everyone has an opinion, and I care about everyone’s opinion, but I don’t want to be suffocated with it—which is all that happens when you share your opinion on social media.

You’re like a metaphorical punching bag getting the shit beat out of you, while also throwing yourself in front of punches aimed at your friends and family who are also trying to respectfully share their opinions as well. Frankly, I’m over it. And I have been for a while. I don’t remember the last time I shared anything political on my pages, and I don’t plan on sharing anything political for a long time to come.

It’s not worth the bullying. It’s not worth the pain. It’s not worth the tears. It’s not worth the anxiety attacks. And it’s not worth the BULL SHIT people put you through when you try to express your opinion.

Because in reality, everyone has an opinion, but no one wants to hear it—they just want to brainwash you with their opinion that they deem factual.

So, here I am. Stuck in the middle. With lots of passions and nowhere to express them.

So, if you feel stuck in the middle, I hear you. I see you. I feel you. Your opinion matters. You matter.

Love,

Me ♥️

To me, 9 years ago…

Hi.

So, earlier today I saw on Facebook someone I am friends with posted a status that read, “What would you tell your 18 year old self?”

And that stopped me in my tracks. I’m not quite sure why it hit me the way it did, but it did.

It really got me thinking, “What would I tell 18 year old me?”—Who at this time would be working her butt off getting ready for her first year of collegiate lacrosse, had recently been broken up with by her high school boyfriend, and who was leaving behind the state and everyone inside of it that she has known her whole entire life. What would I tell this sad, yet excited, yet terrified girl to remember as she climbed the mountain of the next few months?

First semester of freshman year of college would turn out to be one of the most challenging of my whole life so far (but that’s a story for another day…) So, hindsight being 20/20, what would I say to this young, naïve girl? After some thought, here’s what I would tell her…

1. 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑨𝑹𝑬 𝑾𝑶𝑹𝑻𝑯𝒀.

2. 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑨𝑹𝑬 𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬𝑫.

3. 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑾𝑰𝑳𝑳 𝑩𝑬 𝑯𝑨𝑷𝑷𝒀.

4. 𝑰𝑻 𝑾𝑰𝑳𝑳 𝑮𝑬𝑻 𝑩𝑬𝑻𝑻𝑬𝑹.

5. 𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑷𝑶𝑷𝑼𝑳𝑨𝑹𝑰𝑻𝒀 𝑫𝑶𝑬𝑺 𝑵𝑶𝑻 𝑫𝑬𝑭𝑰𝑵𝑬 𝒀𝑶𝑼.

I don’t say any of these things to change my path. I met one of my best friends that first semester. I learned a lot about trust, doing what I want FOR ME, standing up for myself, and not taking any shit from anyone. I don’t regret a thing, and wouldn’t change that semester for the world, but these were things I wish I could have reminded this young girl.

What would you tell your 18 year old self if you could? Not to change your future, just as a guardian angel to give some guidance?

Love,

Me ✌🏼