Lately I’ve been feeling seriously stuck. Stuck in how I’m feeling about the world. Stuck in how people say we should be acting, reacting, thinking, advocating, fighting, rioting, etc.
I’m stuck in the middle. Stuck between feeling passionate and feeling muted. I have really strong feelings about shit that’s going on these days, but with everything going on, I don’t feel like I have the right to share it. But because I’m not sharing it, it comes off like I don’t care. But I do care. I care a lot about all the shit that’s likely to start a Civil War Pt. 2. But I want to keep those feelings to myself because I don’t feel like arguing. I don’t feel like being beaten down by people with opposite opinions. Everyone has an opinion, and I care about everyone’s opinion, but I don’t want to be suffocated with it—which is all that happens when you share your opinion on social media.
You’re like a metaphorical punching bag getting the shit beat out of you, while also throwing yourself in front of punches aimed at your friends and family who are also trying to respectfully share their opinions as well. Frankly, I’m over it. And I have been for a while. I don’t remember the last time I shared anything political on my pages, and I don’t plan on sharing anything political for a long time to come.
It’s not worth the bullying. It’s not worth the pain. It’s not worth the tears. It’s not worth the anxiety attacks. And it’s not worth the BULL SHIT people put you through when you try to express your opinion.
Because in reality, everyone has an opinion, but no one wants to hear it—they just want to brainwash you with their opinion that they deem factual.
So, here I am. Stuck in the middle. With lots of passions and nowhere to express them.
So, if you feel stuck in the middle, I hear you. I see you. I feel you. Your opinion matters. You matter.
I’m really not sure what I’m going to write about.
I’ve been feeling drawn to write for weeks, but just don’t know what to say because I don’t want your time to go to waste. But I think that my lack of what to say something that needs to be heard (read).
I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING. I don’t know how to feel with all the bull shit going on in the world. I don’t know to feel with all the depressing shit surrounding me. I don’t know how to feel about where I am in life. I don’t know how to feel about where our country is going. I don’t know where I am going next. I don’t know who is beside me now. And I don’t know who will be there beside me moving forward. I legit don’t know ANYTHING. And it SUCKS feeling this way.
It’s like feeling lost and alone and scared and mad and sad and confused ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
And I’m not saying all this to get messages saying, “You’re not alone.” And I’m DEFINITELY not saying all this to get messages about politics and other bull shit. I’m saying this because I can’t imagine I’m the only one out here feeling like this.
I’m close to tears (if not in tears) every single day. I’m so overwhelmed. I try to delete all the Toxic Tiffany’s off my timeline, but it’s hard. I know it’s all about having the right mindset and practicing gratitude. But when I can’t get out of bed in enough time to shower every morning, much less do affirmations and gratitude, I struggle. I know I need to get up earlier. I know I need to work out. I know I need to eat healthier. I GET IT, KAREN. But if you don’t have depression in the way I do, you don’t freaking get it. You’ll never get it. And truthfully, I hope you never do. I hope you never have to feel the pain and anguish I feel every freaking day. I wouldn’t wish this shit on anyone.
All this to say, you’re not alone babe. This rant probably didn’t accomplish anything for anyone other than letting me release my anxieties, but I do hope that someone, somewhere, reads this and feels a little bit of comfort that they’re not alone on this shitty ride called 2020 that we’re stuck on.
Take care of yourselves.