Judge Someone Else

Hi.

So, trigger warning—I’m going to say (write) some shit that a lot of people won’t like.

Unpopular opinion—I unfollow/unfriend anyone who posts about any politics on social media. I even unfollowed my own husband. (I still love him, I just unfollowed him on Facebook.)

And I keep seeing posts saying “If you unfollow/unfriend someone for their political beliefs you’re small minded/racist/ignorant/privileged/a terrible human being. And people are entitled to think that. They totally are. It’s a free country.

But you know what else? I’m free to disagree.

You know why I unfollow/unfriend all those people? Because that shit is negative, and I don’t need it. And I get it, just because I unfollow/unfriend doesn’t mean it’s not happening. But you know what? I don’t need it at the front of my brain. I really, really don’t.

What people don’t get is that I have that negative shit on my mind AS IT IS. EVERY DAMN DAY.

My depressions and anxiety manifests itself as the following: suicidal ideations, feelings of worthlessness, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of lack of control, feelings of being scared to be out in public, feelings of holding back tears, feelings of hatred towards self, feelings of despair, feelings of total loss of self, feelings of lack of confidence in the future, and so much more. I think of that shit nearly every f*cking minute of every f*cking day. Why on EARTH would I want to fill my feed with MORE of the battles I’ve been battling all damn day?

Imagine your worst fears. Now, imagine them filling your brain 24/7/365. Now, imagine adding to them by being connected/following people that plaster images/descriptions of your worst fear all of your timeline. Does that sound appealing to you? I didn’t think so.

So, next time you call someone small minded/ignorant/racist/privileged/a terrible person for avoiding watching the news, or unfollowing/unfriending you, take a second to think about why they’re doing it. Maybe it’s to SAVE THEMSELVES. Instead of continuing the hatred towards them that they already feel towards themselves, give them some grace. And treat them with kindness. I can almost guarantee, they’ll show you some kindness should they ever find you kicked down and beaten.

Love,

Me

Peace out, 2020. I think…

Hi.

So, part is me is beyond ready for 2020 to be over.

The other part of me is scared for 2021 to start.

I’ll be real. 2020 wasn’t great. Don’t get me wrong, I am VERY blessed for all the good in my life. I will never not be grateful for all the good that happened in 2020. My best friend got married. My other best friend announced that she is having a beautiful baby girl next summer. I got to spend a lot of time at home with my pups. I’ve gotten to spend more time with my husband. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, a job that pays me, and a family that loves me.

But alongside all the good, there’s been a lot of hurt. My position at work was eliminated. I’ve lost contact with many of my friends. My social anxiety is through the freaking roof from not being able to leave my house. My everyday anxiety is through the roof from all the unrest in the country. I’ve cried myself to sleep more times than I can count this year. So, yes. I’m happy 2020 is coming to an end.

But on that same token, I am scared for what hand 2021 might deal us. I didn’t really accomplish much this year and I have no goals set for 2021. I’m scared to set goals because who knows what the hell we’ll be able to do this coming year. Who knows what kind of insanity we’re going to be dealing with this year. And I don’t want to let myself down again.

Part of me wants to just crawl in bed and stay there forever. Ignorant to everything and everyone. Not because I don’t care, but because I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t know how much more I’ll be able to withstand.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to know what’s ahead. There’s no fortune teller. No crystal ball. So, the way I see it, our only option is to walk into 2021 with our positive pants on. So, that’s what I’m going to try to do.

I am trusting that the universe knows what it’s doing. It knows my path and it will guide me in the right direction. I trust that I’ll find my place and I’ll know I’m fulfilling my purpose because of the signs the universe will be sending me.

All this to say, if you’re scared, it’s OKAY. Layered underneath my positive pants are my scardy pants. I’m just trying to let the positive prevail. That’s all we can really do when it’s all said and done.

So, remember, you are not alone. You were not alone in 2020. You will not be alone in 2021. You have never, are never, and will never be alone. I’m here. Right beside you.

We made it, love. Let’s keep going. 🖤

Love,

Me

Don’t let idiots ruin your day.

I don’t even know 𝒘𝒉𝒚 I’m writing this.

I’ve been going back and forth with posting this for almost a week now.

I knew I would get flack for writing this, people would talk sh*t, they’d say I was just doing it for attention, whatever. But I had to post this for the one who’s struggling. The one who hates this time of year because of all the food. The one who hates this time of year because of the family confrontations. The one who just doesn’t think they’ll make it through another holiday season.

I’m writing this for 𝒚𝒐𝒖.

Last week I went to the doctor for an annual check up, and the doctor said, “𝑾𝒆𝒍𝒍, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒉𝒚𝒔𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒍 𝒆𝒙𝒂𝒎 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒗𝒆 𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒅 10𝒍𝒃𝒔 𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒗𝒊𝒔𝒊𝒕.”

Talk about a punch to the gut (literally, gut). This year has been so hard for so many reasons. And yes, I’ve gained quite a bit of weight (way more than 10lbs) since March. But let’s call a spade a spade. 2020 has been SHIT for so many reasons.

Maybe you’re not in the same boat as me, but I have struggled with body image and weight since as long as I can remember. Legit, I remember being in elementary school and HATING hitting 50lbs… Now, much heavier than that I’m still struggling with body image and my “ideal” weight.

I was starting to feel better—I’m working out 6-7 days a week, eating healthier and although I wasn’t losing any weight, I was feeling better. And THAT made me happy.

Until, my doctor reminded me of that number on the scale. And frankly, it knocked me down. I cried that night before bed. And I got up and worked out harder the next morning.

And then I reached out to some friends and they brought me back to center. 𝑺𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔, 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔.

They helped remind me that there are SO MANY worse things that could have happened than gaining 10lbs. This year has been hard on most people. We’re living a new way of life. We’re learning a new normal. And if 10lbs is a part of surviving 2020, 𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒇𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒔.

So, in case you’re in the same spot I was last week, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓. Regardless of the number on the scale, the size of your leggings, the love handles over those jeans. 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑭𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑲𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑴𝑨𝑻𝑻𝑬𝑹. And you always will.

Don’t let idiots ruin your day, especially your Turkey Day. Love you. Exactly as you are.

Love,

Me

What they don’t know…

Hi.

People message me all the time with the sweetest messages about my positive posts on Insta and Facebook. And it truly warms my heart and brings a smile to my face. I love love love that my posts bring positivity and light to others lives. Hearing THAT brings positivity and light to my life. But there’s a lot people don’t know.

What they don’t know is I’ve been meaning to write for a while, I’ve just been totally and completely uninspired.

What they don’t know is that’s actually putting it mildly. What they don’t know is that I’ve been totally down and out lately. What they don’t know is my depression has definitely gotten the best of me these last few weeks.

And before you ask, no, nothing tragic has happened, unless you want to count the end of summer as tragic. I’m just depressed. This always happens this time of year—one of the fun parts of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Yes, it’s a real thing. It’s not just something people make up around winter time.

But I don’t even think my SAD has even really kicked in yet. I think I’m just having a rough time.

Things are good at home. Things are good at work. My family is healthy. My pups are happy. I’m just…not.

And there’s nothing anyone can do, so I’m not posting this for attention. I just have seen a lot of prayer and positive vibes requests across my timeline lately and I want to reach out to each and every one of them and let them know that if they’re struggling, they are not alone.

However many months into this bullsh*t, it’s okay for us to have rough weeks. It’s not assumed it’s going to get easier just because it’s our new “normal”. Whatever the eff that means.

So, if you’re like me and you were finally doing well only to have it all fall apart again, it’s okay. You are not alone. I’m rebuilding right beside you.

What they don’t know is I love you. You matter. You are more than enough.

Love,

Me 🖤

1-800-273-8255

You matter. You matter. YOU MATTER.

Make the call. Send the text.

It might not seem worth it right now, but trust me, just do it. Reach out. Ask for help.

Hell, message ME.

Don’t let that darkness consume you. You are so damn worthy.

Call- 1-800-273-8255

Love,

Me

Stuck in the Middle

Hi.

Lately I’ve been feeling seriously stuck. Stuck in how I’m feeling about the world. Stuck in how people say we should be acting, reacting, thinking, advocating, fighting, rioting, etc.

I’m stuck in the middle. Stuck between feeling passionate and feeling muted. I have really strong feelings about shit that’s going on these days, but with everything going on, I don’t feel like I have the right to share it. But because I’m not sharing it, it comes off like I don’t care. But I do care. I care a lot about all the shit that’s likely to start a Civil War Pt. 2. But I want to keep those feelings to myself because I don’t feel like arguing. I don’t feel like being beaten down by people with opposite opinions. Everyone has an opinion, and I care about everyone’s opinion, but I don’t want to be suffocated with it—which is all that happens when you share your opinion on social media.

You’re like a metaphorical punching bag getting the shit beat out of you, while also throwing yourself in front of punches aimed at your friends and family who are also trying to respectfully share their opinions as well. Frankly, I’m over it. And I have been for a while. I don’t remember the last time I shared anything political on my pages, and I don’t plan on sharing anything political for a long time to come.

It’s not worth the bullying. It’s not worth the pain. It’s not worth the tears. It’s not worth the anxiety attacks. And it’s not worth the BULL SHIT people put you through when you try to express your opinion.

Because in reality, everyone has an opinion, but no one wants to hear it—they just want to brainwash you with their opinion that they deem factual.

So, here I am. Stuck in the middle. With lots of passions and nowhere to express them.

So, if you feel stuck in the middle, I hear you. I see you. I feel you. Your opinion matters. You matter.

Love,

Me ♥️

Really not sure…

Hi.

I’m really not sure what I’m going to write about.

I’ve been feeling drawn to write for weeks, but just don’t know what to say because I don’t want your time to go to waste. But I think that my lack of what to say something that needs to be heard (read).

I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING. I don’t know how to feel with all the bull shit going on in the world. I don’t know to feel with all the depressing shit surrounding me. I don’t know how to feel about where I am in life. I don’t know how to feel about where our country is going. I don’t know where I am going next. I don’t know who is beside me now. And I don’t know who will be there beside me moving forward. I legit don’t know ANYTHING. And it SUCKS feeling this way.

It’s like feeling lost and alone and scared and mad and sad and confused ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

And I’m not saying all this to get messages saying, “You’re not alone.” And I’m DEFINITELY not saying all this to get messages about politics and other bull shit. I’m saying this because I can’t imagine I’m the only one out here feeling like this.

I’m close to tears (if not in tears) every single day. I’m so overwhelmed. I try to delete all the Toxic Tiffany’s off my timeline, but it’s hard. I know it’s all about having the right mindset and practicing gratitude. But when I can’t get out of bed in enough time to shower every morning, much less do affirmations and gratitude, I struggle. I know I need to get up earlier. I know I need to work out. I know I need to eat healthier. I GET IT, KAREN. But if you don’t have depression in the way I do, you don’t freaking get it. You’ll never get it. And truthfully, I hope you never do. I hope you never have to feel the pain and anguish I feel every freaking day. I wouldn’t wish this shit on anyone.

All this to say, you’re not alone babe. This rant probably didn’t accomplish anything for anyone other than letting me release my anxieties, but I do hope that someone, somewhere, reads this and feels a little bit of comfort that they’re not alone on this shitty ride called 2020 that we’re stuck on.

Take care of yourselves.

XX,

Me

Why

Hiiiii.

Almost everyone has a “why”. People’s “why”s can range from family, to money, to success, to faith, and everything in between. In my humble opinion, NO ONE can tell you that you have a bad “why”. IT’S NOT YOUR WHY, SO YOU HONESTLY DON’T GET AN OPINION.

Sorry (not really sorry) for the caps lock, but it’s true. What drives me to act is different from what drives you to act, and that’s OKAY. We’re all different for a reason. If we were all driven by the same thing, I’m pretty sure the whole world would combust. We need to have different dreams, goals, and driving factors. It’s what keeps our society going.

Regardless of your “why”, and regardless of how close you feel to your “why” right this minute, I encourage you to zoom out, take a look around, and see if what you’re doing and how you’re acting is contributing to your “why” or detracting from it.

If you’re feeling down, unsuccessful, lacking motivation, or whatever, you’re probably too far away from your “why”. Whether it’s intentional or not, you’re not doing things with your “why” in mind. Meaning, there could be a subconscious selfish drive behind your actions. THIS is when things start to fall apart.

When you re-calibrate your mind to make your “why” your main focus, you’ll be surprised what you suddenly begin to accomplish. You might have even already accomplished these things, but your clouded mind didn’t allow you to grasp that you actually DID accomplish something. That you actually DID do the right thing. That you actually DID achieve success.

We focus SO MUCH on all of our failures, our flaws, our mistakes, our screw ups, and everywhere that we fell short. And those small little things CONSUME our mind to make us us blur out all of the good.

For example, today was testing day for my “students” at work. There were 5 people who didn’t pass their exam. Now, at my job, you need to pass this exam in order to retain employment. Therefore, 5 people lost their jobs today. It is my job to teach them, aid them, and help them achieve success on this exam. I was and am so upset every time that I can’t get a student across the finish line. I am fully aware that although I can help, I can’t take the test for them. That I can only give them the vehicle and they’re the ones that need to drive it. Regardless, my guilt sets in, and I dwell on the ones I couldn’t get to pass. Now, I don’t say this to brag, but I think it helps put things in perspective for your own situation. Despite all the “thank you”s, the “I couldn’t have done this without you”s, etc, I’m still so intensely focused on the ones who didn’t pass. That was, until I was on my way home listening to Rachel Hollis’ podcast, “Rise”. First, it’s INCREDIBLE. Second, it really brought to light all of the things I was feeling about my failures that day. I had 5 failures. But I had 29 passes, including two students who I worked two on one with in order to give them more individualized workshops. I should be PROUD of that. I should CELEBRATE that. Not that I am the one who did all the work because I absolutely didn’t, but I should celebrate our collaboration and successes as a team.

So, moral of the long-winded story is: Stop. Zoom out. Look around. Re-calibrate. Reset your focus on your why. And then GO FOR IT.

However you define success, it’s right around the corner from you. Don’t give up.

Love,

Me ❤

Broken Record

Hiiii.

My mind is a broken record. It always has been.

Remember that time in second grade when you sat in orange paint during art class and the class bullies got the whole class to turn around, look, and laugh at you? Well, I do.

Remember that time your crush asked you to homecoming and then ditched you the morning of to go with another girl? Well, I do.

(Sorry about this last one, guys). Remember that time you got your period early and you bled all over your white shorts during your Christian youth group? Yeah. I remember that too.

These are things that I highly doubt ANYONE else remembers in the slightest, but they are BURNED in my brain. They don’t haunt me as much as I may be making it seem, but I will always remember them.

Do you remember times like this that you have had and you felt like your life was LITERALLY OVER? Yup. I swore that orange paint was going to be THE end of my life. Now, 20ish years later I’m sitting on my couch laughing at 2nd grade self.

These life ending embarrassments were far from life ending. Life ending losses of loved ones. Or life ending break ups (shout out to my exes). None of these things actually ended my life. Sometimes when I’ve thought about not being here anymore, I find myself thinking back to these times and it spirals me deeper (hence the broken record reference). But in other times, I think back to these times and smile alongside the tears because it’s a reminder that through all of that, I am a warrior. Through all of that, I am BETTER and STRONGER, and that none of the things that seem to be the end of it all mean nearly as much in the future.

Don’t let the fears, embarrassment, disappointments, losses, anger, or sadness be perpetuated into your future. Don’t self-sabotage, self-promote.

Love,

Me ❤

The Waiting Room

We’ve all been there. We’ve all been in the waiting room tapping our leg, obsessively checking our phone, huffing and puffing because being in the waiting room is a waste of time. There are seasons where we are just sitting in the waiting room of life. 

And we often think that these waiting rooms are useless, demeaning, wasteful times in our lives, when really, its the exact opposite. Those are the times in which we are building ourselves. Whoever or whatever you believe in (if anything), that thing is building you. For me, it’s God. God is building me. He is building my trust. He is building my strength. He is building my faith. He is building my graciousness. He is building ME to be the ME that He says I am.

Sometimes that waiting room is dark and lonely. It’s a really scary place sometimes. It causes really scary thoughts sometimes. And that’s okay. Waiting rooms are just that. They’re just for waiting. They’re temporary. It’s not forever (thank God for that). Sometimes that dark, lonely, scary waiting room is really a storm shelter providing us safety from the outside world because things are tumultuous out there. Maybe He isn’t building me in that moment, maybe He is busy building up everything around me, so that my environment will be ready for me when I finally arrive. 

We will never ever know how long we will be in that waiting room. We will never ever know why we are there. We will never know how to get out. 

And in reality, we SHOULDN’T be looking to get out. It’s not our time. When our time comes, we will see all of the puzzle pieces finally put together. Hindsight is always 20/20 right?

Love,

Me ❤