Drowning

Hiii.

I have been thinking for (literally) weeks about this post. I felt like a writer with writer’s block. No words I tried to form quite fit how I was feeling.

And then of course the thought of, “Well, what if this person, or that person sees it. I have to keep things PC.”

Well, fuck that. If I’m not being open, honest, raw, and real about how I’m feeling, then how the hell am I supposed to be fighting this stigma I am so determined to destroy?

So, here goes…

Guys, I’m drowning. I’m drowning in every freaking aspect of my life. And yes, that does sound dramatic, but it’s seriously all I can think about right now and for the past 8 weeks. I’m drowning at work. I’m drowning at home. I’m drowning walking through Target (and not in a good way). I’m drowning in anxiety. And I’m drowning in depression. D R O W N I N G, drowning.

And the funny thing about drowning is, people can ask you if you’re okay all they want, but when your head is being held under water, how to they expect you to respond? Sure, I’m good. Just choking on water and treading for my life, but no worries. Keep pouring MORE water on me. It’s cool. I got it.

People rarely seem to ask for favors or for help with the intention of you saying “no”. They ask because it’s polite. If you say no, then HOW RUDE ARE YOU? How DARE you not help out a friend, or a co-worker, or your spouse. What kind of person DOES THAT? A terrible one. That’s who.

When the fuck did it become merely courtesy to ask? Just PC to ask, although you’re truly disinterested in what the real answer is. You know you’ll get a “yes”, or that person will PAY for it. THIS is how we lose touch with the sea floor in the first place.

So, how are you supposed to stop drowning when more and more water is being poured on you, with no way to stop it? And even if you somehow manage to hold your head above water long enough to ask for a life vest you’re judged for even asking. “Can you believe she asked for a life vest? She’s so lazy”.

No wonder people shut down completely. The only survival skill we have left is to give up, and hope our body floats to the top of the current, so we can swim out of the riptide to safety.

If this is you, just about to give up and shut down completely, don’t. I’m here. I’m here with biggest and most buoyant life vest you can imagine. I’m here to help you. Even though I am not always sure I can help myself. I got the most buoyant one for a reason. We’ll share. It won’t be a Titanic replay. Let’s float to safety together.

Love Always,

Me ❤

Irrelevant

Hiiii.

This week was one of those weeks where I felt like a complete ghost. Like I was walking the halls just a phantom of my normal self. Like no one actually saw me, and me being gone was irrelevant.

Now, I’m not saying this to get sympathy. I’m not saying this to attract attention. I’m saying this because it’s real. It’s on my heart. It’s on my mind.

I HATE feeling irrelevant. In my heart I know people would miss me when I’m gone, but my depression clouds my head and my heart. My depression is what’s telling me I’m irrelevant. My depression is what’s telling me I won’t be missed. My depression is what takes my head so far from reality that I get lost.

I lose my cause. I lose my purpose. I lose my why. I lose myself. I know that there is still a glimpse of me somewhere. But it’s like it’s locked behind a door and I have a whole ring full of hundreds of keys that all look alike.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. I just have to find the right key. But, I don’t know how many keys I’ll have to go through, or how long it will take until I find the right one. All I know is the right key is there, I just have to keep going until I find it.

So, here’s the thing…giving up and giving in won’t open that door any faster. And breaking down the door will do you no good. You’re behind that locked door for a reason. Take your time, find the right key, and when you do, THAT is exactly when you’re meant to open the door. Not a minute sooner or a minute later.

So, here I am. Still looking. Still checking the keys on the key rings, and in turn, checking myself. Checking my surroundings. Checking my circle. Checking what makes me, me. Because when I find out WHY I’m here, when I find my purpose. THAT is when I’ll reach the right key.

Love,

Me ♥️

Why

Hiiiii.

Almost everyone has a “why”. People’s “why”s can range from family, to money, to success, to faith, and everything in between. In my humble opinion, NO ONE can tell you that you have a bad “why”. IT’S NOT YOUR WHY, SO YOU HONESTLY DON’T GET AN OPINION.

Sorry (not really sorry) for the caps lock, but it’s true. What drives me to act is different from what drives you to act, and that’s OKAY. We’re all different for a reason. If we were all driven by the same thing, I’m pretty sure the whole world would combust. We need to have different dreams, goals, and driving factors. It’s what keeps our society going.

Regardless of your “why”, and regardless of how close you feel to your “why” right this minute, I encourage you to zoom out, take a look around, and see if what you’re doing and how you’re acting is contributing to your “why” or detracting from it.

If you’re feeling down, unsuccessful, lacking motivation, or whatever, you’re probably too far away from your “why”. Whether it’s intentional or not, you’re not doing things with your “why” in mind. Meaning, there could be a subconscious selfish drive behind your actions. THIS is when things start to fall apart.

When you re-calibrate your mind to make your “why” your main focus, you’ll be surprised what you suddenly begin to accomplish. You might have even already accomplished these things, but your clouded mind didn’t allow you to grasp that you actually DID accomplish something. That you actually DID do the right thing. That you actually DID achieve success.

We focus SO MUCH on all of our failures, our flaws, our mistakes, our screw ups, and everywhere that we fell short. And those small little things CONSUME our mind to make us us blur out all of the good.

For example, today was testing day for my “students” at work. There were 5 people who didn’t pass their exam. Now, at my job, you need to pass this exam in order to retain employment. Therefore, 5 people lost their jobs today. It is my job to teach them, aid them, and help them achieve success on this exam. I was and am so upset every time that I can’t get a student across the finish line. I am fully aware that although I can help, I can’t take the test for them. That I can only give them the vehicle and they’re the ones that need to drive it. Regardless, my guilt sets in, and I dwell on the ones I couldn’t get to pass. Now, I don’t say this to brag, but I think it helps put things in perspective for your own situation. Despite all the “thank you”s, the “I couldn’t have done this without you”s, etc, I’m still so intensely focused on the ones who didn’t pass. That was, until I was on my way home listening to Rachel Hollis’ podcast, “Rise”. First, it’s INCREDIBLE. Second, it really brought to light all of the things I was feeling about my failures that day. I had 5 failures. But I had 29 passes, including two students who I worked two on one with in order to give them more individualized workshops. I should be PROUD of that. I should CELEBRATE that. Not that I am the one who did all the work because I absolutely didn’t, but I should celebrate our collaboration and successes as a team.

So, moral of the long-winded story is: Stop. Zoom out. Look around. Re-calibrate. Reset your focus on your why. And then GO FOR IT.

However you define success, it’s right around the corner from you. Don’t give up.

Love,

Me ❤

Impostor Syndrome

Hiiii.

So, I’m reading this Self-Help book. I’m probably what they call a Self-Help Junkie. I love these books, maybe to a detriment to my mental health.

Well, regardless, the one I’m currently reading (AKA listening to on Audible ’cause who has time to read with an hour commute and a 12 hour work day?), the author was talking about a study that she read in the Journal of Behavioral Science that discusses Impostor Syndrome. No, it’s not in the DSM, and no, it’s not scientifically PROVEN, but it is real as can be.

When I first started listening to this chapter, I was almost turned off because I was convinced it didn’t apply to me.

The author explains that Impostor Syndrome is when you as a person are convinced, despite any factual evidence proving otherwise, that you are a fraud and that you don’t actually deserve the success you are achieving. Despite all of the performance reviews, despite all of the feedback, the compliments, and the growth you’ve seen in yourself, you believe you aren’t actually deserving of the success that you’re achieving. The author notes that the study showed that although Impostor Syndrome appears in people of all genders, it is found that women “own up” to it more often than everyone else.

I was convinced that this syndrome didn’t apply to me because I don’t think I’m a fraud. I’m super duper real, open, and honest (hence the blog). But the more I thought about it, I realized that I am 100% suffering from Imposter Syndrome. Not that I think that I’m a fraud, but I 100% sabotage myself by speaking poorly about myself, thinking negative things about myself, and expecting the worst things to happen to me.

THIS is Impostor Syndrome. And it can affect EVERYONE.

Why do we do this? WHY? I don’t know what it is for you, but for me, it’s a lack of self confidence. I’ve always lacked self confidence and I don’t know why. I’m getting better, but it’s still not 100%. On top of my self-help book addiction, I also went and saw Rachel Hollis’ “Made For More” movie and it was LIFE CHANGING. I put what I learned from Rachel Hollis and what I learned from my Audible together and I had an epiphany.

Instead of worrying about fixing myself and my confidence, I need to worry about standing up for my sisters. If I can’t stand up for myself, the least I can do is stand up for them. I’m taking this as my first step to combating my Imposter Syndrome. I’m ready to stop discounting myself and start adding back my tax. I’m ready to go.

Love,

Me ❤

Broken Record

Hiiii.

My mind is a broken record. It always has been.

Remember that time in second grade when you sat in orange paint during art class and the class bullies got the whole class to turn around, look, and laugh at you? Well, I do.

Remember that time your crush asked you to homecoming and then ditched you the morning of to go with another girl? Well, I do.

(Sorry about this last one, guys). Remember that time you got your period early and you bled all over your white shorts during your Christian youth group? Yeah. I remember that too.

These are things that I highly doubt ANYONE else remembers in the slightest, but they are BURNED in my brain. They don’t haunt me as much as I may be making it seem, but I will always remember them.

Do you remember times like this that you have had and you felt like your life was LITERALLY OVER? Yup. I swore that orange paint was going to be THE end of my life. Now, 20ish years later I’m sitting on my couch laughing at 2nd grade self.

These life ending embarrassments were far from life ending. Life ending losses of loved ones. Or life ending break ups (shout out to my exes). None of these things actually ended my life. Sometimes when I’ve thought about not being here anymore, I find myself thinking back to these times and it spirals me deeper (hence the broken record reference). But in other times, I think back to these times and smile alongside the tears because it’s a reminder that through all of that, I am a warrior. Through all of that, I am BETTER and STRONGER, and that none of the things that seem to be the end of it all mean nearly as much in the future.

Don’t let the fears, embarrassment, disappointments, losses, anger, or sadness be perpetuated into your future. Don’t self-sabotage, self-promote.

Love,

Me ❤

Invisible

Hiiii.

Do you ever feel invisible? Like if you were to not exist anymore, no one would even notice? You could completely be erased, and nothing would change for anyone?

Yeah. That’s been me this week. I honestly don’t even know why I say anything. Why I even have a voice. You might as well take it away. I honestly don’t know why I’m even trying to do anything half the time. I LITERALLY want to give up. Not in a dangerous way, I’m feeling safe, just in an…adult…kind of way. I want to quit being an adult. I want to go back to being a kid when I KNEW my voice didn’t matter because I was a dumb little kid who said dumb stuff. I’m almost 26 years old. Maybe it’s a quarter-life crisis kind of thing, but I feel like I should be entitled to some sort of opinion at this point. I’m old enough to rent a car without penalties for goodness sake. That’s gotta count for something. *facepalm*

I honestly feel like I’m worth more to my followers, friends, and teammates on the internet than I am anywhere else in the world. Those people see me more, know me better, and actually take the time to read my posts.

But it’s more of a fictional read than anything. It’s like my words, opinions, and thoughts are just fiction to be tossed aside when they’re done. There is no substance to anything this world does or says. Everyone is too busy being self-absorbed to consider words, thoughts, or opinions from everyone else. But even to my friends on the internet, if I were to one day disappear, nothing would change for anyone.

I know, I know. I’m throwing myself a pity party, but honestly, it’s really aggravating and depressing at the same time.

Why can’t people stop wearing their ass as a hat for one freaking minute to listen to someone other than themselves? It’s like everyone is so busy talking and NO ONE is listening. If no one is listening, then WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING?

THIS is what’s wrong with society. People are too busy pointing fingers at everyone else. Too busy telling everyone else what they’re doing wrong and ordering them to fix it. Too busy to look in the mirror to see themselves for who they really are. Too busy to see what THEY are doing wrong and what THEY need to fix. They’re too busy wasting their energy building themselves up on their OWN pedestal to be the tallest and the best, that they don’t even see everyone else is building themselves up just as tall. Those of us not wasting our time boosting our own self-esteem are stuck at the bottom securing the foundations of everyone else’s pedestals.

Yes, sometimes it’s dark down there, but at least I didn’t sacrifice my morals and ethics just to try to beat everyone else out. You go ahead and puff out your chest. You won’t last long up there when your shaky foundation crumbles from underneath you.

I love listening to people, but I’m tired of listening to never be heard in return. I’m tired of being invisible.

Rant over.

Love,

Me ❤

The Waiting Room

We’ve all been there. We’ve all been in the waiting room tapping our leg, obsessively checking our phone, huffing and puffing because being in the waiting room is a waste of time. There are seasons where we are just sitting in the waiting room of life. 

And we often think that these waiting rooms are useless, demeaning, wasteful times in our lives, when really, its the exact opposite. Those are the times in which we are building ourselves. Whoever or whatever you believe in (if anything), that thing is building you. For me, it’s God. God is building me. He is building my trust. He is building my strength. He is building my faith. He is building my graciousness. He is building ME to be the ME that He says I am.

Sometimes that waiting room is dark and lonely. It’s a really scary place sometimes. It causes really scary thoughts sometimes. And that’s okay. Waiting rooms are just that. They’re just for waiting. They’re temporary. It’s not forever (thank God for that). Sometimes that dark, lonely, scary waiting room is really a storm shelter providing us safety from the outside world because things are tumultuous out there. Maybe He isn’t building me in that moment, maybe He is busy building up everything around me, so that my environment will be ready for me when I finally arrive. 

We will never ever know how long we will be in that waiting room. We will never ever know why we are there. We will never know how to get out. 

And in reality, we SHOULDN’T be looking to get out. It’s not our time. When our time comes, we will see all of the puzzle pieces finally put together. Hindsight is always 20/20 right?

Love,

Me ❤

Forever Grateful

Hiiiii.

 

I hope you all had a beautiful Thanksgiving (if you celebrate). This time of year is so so tough for so many people, and for a full spectrum of reasons. I used to HATE this time of year because prior to meeting my husband, I always found myself alone during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I no longer feel the discontent around this time of year that I used to, but I know that there are still so many people who do.

 

I should not, could not, would not judge those people because I used to be one just like them. Instead of projecting negative feelings onto them, we all need to take a step back and think about what they might be going through. All of their negative thoughts, words, and actions are stemming from something, and I wouldn’t dare take a guess at what that thing might be.

 

This is something we battle ALL the time, but it is often seen as more apparent during the time of year that we’re all supposed to be jolly and bright. But people all around us are CONSTANTLY fighting battles that we know nothing about.

 

It’s taken a lot of courage to write about this, which is why I’ve waited a few weeks to write it.

*Takes a deep breath*

A few weeks ago, someone in my extended family accused me of using my mental health blog and my religion as fuel to drive up my sales in my side hustle.

 

I was heart broken at this accusation. I do not believe I have ever pushed anyone on my blog to check out my business. I have never pushed anyone in my church to try my products. I don’t post about my mental health or my religion to draw any attention to myself to help increase my sales. Unless you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you probably didn’t even know I have a side hustle business.

 

I write about my issues with mental health because I wish I had someone like me to talk to when I was in a really dark place. I write in my blog because it’s therapeutic to me. I go to church because it teaches me skills that no one else has taught me. I go to church because God does unbelievable things and takes my natural human struggles, and does supernatural things to support them. I go to church because I love Him. Neither of these things has ANYTHING to do with my business.

 

I run my business because the products have changed my life. Just as sharing my story on my blog has changed my life. Just how Jesus has changed my life. So, no. I’m not using my diagnosis of MDD and GAD, nor my love of Jesus to boost my business. I do all of these things independently of one another because it is my life, and I am forever grateful for each and every part of it.

 

Love,

Me ❤

Game Face

Hiiii.

 

Ever wonder what would happen if you weren’t around? If you weren’t there to fix things? Or in some cases screw them all up? It’s the screw up moments that make me think about this the most.

 

No, let’s get this straight. I have no bad intentions, and all I mean from this is sometimes I think I could be of better assistance to the world if I had just stayed in my bed. Yeah, maybe a few things wouldn’t have gotten done that should have gotten done. But on the flip side, there is a lot that wouldn’t have gotten so royally messed up either.

 

I have to do a semi-annual performance review at work, with this upcoming one being my third in my current department and all I ever have to say is that I need to improve on my efficiencies and the amount of mistakes I make. I feel like not a day goes by at my job that I’m not apologizing for messing something up. And that’s not just because I’m an obsessive apologizer. Yes, I did just make up that word. You’re welcome to all my obsessive apologizers out there. I know that I hold myself to unusually high standards, but if I didn’t who would I be? How would I have gotten myself to the position I’m not at in life?

 

I truly do believe that I am who I am for a reason. That’s all there is to it. And like it or not, I’m not going to change for anyone or anything.

 

So, on all of my bad days, weeks, months, and years, my only option is to get up, put on my game face, and go. You gonna come with me?

 

Love,

Me ❤

Warrior

Hiiii.

 

So, I had super mixed feelings writing this post. Part of me felt like doing a hair flip. And the other part of me felt like I wanted to crawl in a hole and cry.

 

Let me preface this by saying that I do not work at a school, or for the government, or for any institution where this could cause me to get fired…I think.

 

So, I am a very open person (hence, the public blog I write about my Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder) and this applies to work as well. I help a lot of our employees (who technically are my students) who suffer from anxiety by providing them with anxiety fidgets and other coping skills to help them combat their issues throughout their employment, and honestly in life in general.

 

A student who is preparing for their licensing exam approached me this week about coping skills. They said, “How do you combat all of the adversity you face? What do you do to help keep your anxiety at bay? I’ve seen you keep your cool in times that I could not.” I was awestruck, and it took me a hot minute, but I conjured up the best response i could. I simply stated, “Time. Just time. I’ve been dealing with this for as long as I can remember and have been diagnosed for over a decade. I figured out how to handle my shit over time and by making A LOT of mistakes.” There is no recipe that works for everyone when it comes to anxiety and/or depression. I gave him all of the tips and tricks that I could think of. All of the little things that help calm me down. The deep breathing, the positive mantras, the essential oils, the rescue remedy, everything. I don’t know if any of it will help him, but he doesn’t have 12 years before his exam to learn how to wrangle this beast, so I armed him with the quickest and most effective solutions I could think of.

 

But that’s the part that NO ONE remembers. Last week, I wrote about wearing a mask ALL THE TIME and the one time I take my mask off, it’s like I’m a leper who should be burned at the stake. Each year that I get further away from my cutting, my medication issues, my weight issues, everything, the stronger I get, but the more forgetful everyone around me gets. They forget the struggles, they forget the issues, they forget all of the stuff I hide on a daily basis. It’s almost like people think that I’m fixed. I’m cured. I no longer have depression and anxiety.

 

Now, I’m not a complete selfish idiot. I know it’s human nature to forget what’s not right in front of us, but for me, my depression and anxiety are NEVER not right in front of me. They NEVER go away. My symptoms, my struggles, my issues, my insecurities; they’re all right there. And they always will be. I truly don’t expect people to think about my issues all the time, ’cause damn would that make for a super depressed world. I just wish people knew that this doesn’t just go away. That for most of us, this will NEVER go away.

So, no. I’m NOT a survivor. I’m a W A R R I O R.

 

Love,

Me ❤