On edge..like…always

Hi.

One of the multiple things people never talk about is how on edge depression and anxiety make you feel. All day for days on end.

Those days, you’re on the edge of tears. On the edge of screaming. On the edge of totally losing your sh*t. Literally all day long.

And I work really hard to control my emotions and not lose my sh*t but it’s really freaking hard.

Legit. I’m watching an episode of NCIS, and I just start crying. It’s an episode I’ve watched dozens of times. And there I am, crying. I’m writing out my gratitude for the day…and I’m crying. I’m petting my pups…and I’m crying.

It’s like all my emotions are a boiling pot of water constantly boiling over. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to simmer the boiling.

Then one day, I’m okay. I’m able to get through an whole episode of NCIS without crying. I get through my gratitude without crying. I’m actually smiling. I finally feel relief. I’m no longer boiling over. But there’s no rhyme or reason why.

I didn’t do anything differently. I didn’t get more sleep. I didn’t eat anything different. Nothing changed, yet everything’s different.

There is NO reason why I’m feeling “better”. I just am.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for these days and I’ve tried everything under the sun to make these times last forever, but to date they haven’t. It’s just exhausting battling your emotions all day everyday for so long and then one day you’re feeling totally “normal”. It’s like total whiplash. You don’t know what to do or how to react.

For me, my best course of action is to patch up the wounds, let them begin to heal, and practice gratitude. Gratitude for the good days. Gratitude for the strength to get through the bad days. Gratitude for each day I am given. Gratitude for it all.

Some days I think that’s all we can do. Just say thank you and keep going. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep fighting. Just keep living.

Trust me, I know how hard it is, but I promise. It’s worth it. Don’t give up. Please. You are so damn worthy. And so damn loved. Even when it feels like it the least.

Sending you love, hugs, strength, and alllllllll the positive vibes.

Keep fighting, love. You are never alone.

Love,

Me

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