“Standing now in the mirror that I built myself…”-Halsey

Hey there.

I hope you are well. It’s been a minute since I’ve been here and damn have I missed it.

I had a friend ask me the other day why I stopped writing and I knew the answer. But once I said it out loud, I felt like a total jackass.

My answer was that I had started a new job and didn’t want my blog to be read by my new co-workers and boss, for fear that I’d get fired for it.

Like WHAT? Isn’t that what my whole blog is about? Isn’t that what I preach? Isn’t my main goal breaking the stigma? WTF was I thinking?

I wasn’t. I wasn’t thinking. You can say it with a me…HYPOCRITE.

So, I tuned into my feelings again. I tuned into my depression again. I stopped blocking out all the negative thoughts. And I cried. Not a full blown panic attack, but just lots and lots of tears. And it SUCKED. It SUCKED feeling that vulnerable. It SUCKED feeling that hateful towards myself. It SUCKED feeling that weak and dumb and useless and unaccomplished and EVERY NEGATIVE FEELING ALL AT ONCE.

It was overwhelming letting all those feelings back in. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still feeling that overwhelm today too. That’s what people who don’t suffer from this anxiety and depression daily cocktail don’t understand. This shit doesn’t just go away. It LINGERS. And “getting over it” or being told, “You’ll be fine. You always are,” doesn’t help. I know I’ll be fine. But I also know I’m hurting right now. And that’s OKAY. I’ll be OKAY. But right now, I’m not. And I’m OKAY with that.

So, I stand here, in the mirror looking at a body I hate, with a soul I’m not too fond of right now either, and I get one of those oh, so joyous messages. “Hey girl! I have a fitness group starting up and I’d love for you to join us!”

Thanks, Cold Message Colleen. Thanks for the reminder that I look large in my photos. Thanks for the reminder that I’ve gained weight over the last couple months. Thanks for insinuating that I look like I should be working out 7 days a week with you and all your skinny friends.

I have BEEN that girl sending those copy and paste messages. I know those people don’t mean it like that, but what those people don’t understand is that you messaging the wrong person at the wrong time makes ALL of those self hatred feelings SO much stronger.

So, to the Cold Messaging Colleen’s of the world, work your business, but remember, all those people you’re cold messaging…they’re going through something. They’re fighting a battle you have NO idea about and your copy and paste messages just might hurt them more than help.

Love, Me

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