I have been thinking for (literally) weeks about this post. I felt like a writer with writer’s block. No words I tried to form quite fit how I was feeling.
And then of course the thought of, “Well, what if this person, or that person sees it. I have to keep things PC.”
Well, fuck that. If I’m not being open, honest, raw, and real about how I’m feeling, then how the hell am I supposed to be fighting this stigma I am so determined to destroy?
So, here goes…
Guys, I’m drowning. I’m drowning in every freaking aspect of my life. And yes, that does sound dramatic, but it’s seriously all I can think about right now and for the past 8 weeks. I’m drowning at work. I’m drowning at home. I’m drowning walking through Target (and not in a good way). I’m drowning in anxiety. And I’m drowning in depression. D R O W N I N G, drowning.
And the funny thing about drowning is, people can ask you if you’re okay all they want, but when your head is being held under water, how to they expect you to respond? Sure, I’m good. Just choking on water and treading for my life, but no worries. Keep pouring MORE water on me. It’s cool. I got it.
People rarely seem to ask for favors or for help with the intention of you saying “no”. They ask because it’s polite. If you say no, then HOW RUDE ARE YOU? How DARE you not help out a friend, or a co-worker, or your spouse. What kind of person DOES THAT? A terrible one. That’s who.
When the fuck did it become merely courtesy to ask? Just PC to ask, although you’re truly disinterested in what the real answer is. You know you’ll get a “yes”, or that person will PAY for it. THIS is how we lose touch with the sea floor in the first place.
So, how are you supposed to stop drowning when more and more water is being poured on you, with no way to stop it? And even if you somehow manage to hold your head above water long enough to ask for a life vest you’re judged for even asking. “Can you believe she asked for a life vest? She’s so lazy”.
No wonder people shut down completely. The only survival skill we have left is to give up, and hope our body floats to the top of the current, so we can swim out of the riptide to safety.
If this is you, just about to give up and shut down completely, don’t. I’m here. I’m here with biggest and most buoyant life vest you can imagine. I’m here to help you. Even though I am not always sure I can help myself. I got the most buoyant one for a reason. We’ll share. It won’t be a Titanic replay. Let’s float to safety together.