This week was one of those weeks where I felt like a complete ghost. Like I was walking the halls just a phantom of my normal self. Like no one actually saw me, and me being gone was irrelevant.
Now, I’m not saying this to get sympathy. I’m not saying this to attract attention. I’m saying this because it’s real. It’s on my heart. It’s on my mind.
I HATE feeling irrelevant. In my heart I know people would miss me when I’m gone, but my depression clouds my head and my heart. My depression is what’s telling me I’m irrelevant. My depression is what’s telling me I won’t be missed. My depression is what takes my head so far from reality that I get lost.
I lose my cause. I lose my purpose. I lose my why. I lose myself. I know that there is still a glimpse of me somewhere. But it’s like it’s locked behind a door and I have a whole ring full of hundreds of keys that all look alike.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. I just have to find the right key. But, I don’t know how many keys I’ll have to go through, or how long it will take until I find the right one. All I know is the right key is there, I just have to keep going until I find it.
So, here’s the thing…giving up and giving in won’t open that door any faster. And breaking down the door will do you no good. You’re behind that locked door for a reason. Take your time, find the right key, and when you do, THAT is exactly when you’re meant to open the door. Not a minute sooner or a minute later.
So, here I am. Still looking. Still checking the keys on the key rings, and in turn, checking myself. Checking my surroundings. Checking my circle. Checking what makes me, me. Because when I find out WHY I’m here, when I find my purpose. THAT is when I’ll reach the right key.