So, today I went to a memorial service. It wasn’t for someone I knew too well, but I knew them well enough to grieve.
Grief is such a weird thing. And it’s so unique to every individual. Some people cry a lot. Some people don’t cry at all. Some people laugh through it, and some get angry. Some have all of these emotions all together or in a cycle. One of these ways is not better or worse than the other. It’s a matter of moving forward and finding something positive amidst the devastation.
The loss of someone so young is never easy to handle because you know that there was so much more for them to do, see, and experience. But despite not being a very religious person, I find solace in thinking that they are watching over us and helping us get through our darkest days.
The person whose Memorial I went to, struggled with mental illness. Despite his friend’s and family’s attempts to reach out and help, he lost his battle with his demons.
During the service today, the Pastor talked about a few things he wanted us to take away from this tragedy. One of those things is “You are enough.” This is a very hard thing for many people to accept. ESPECIALLY individuals with depression and anxiety because those illnesses are often associated with low self-esteem and sometimes self-hatred. I wish it were as easy as someone saying, “Alyssa, you’re worth it.” And me being like, “Okay, great. Thanks!” And letting it go. And although they may be what I say out loud, the anxiety in me tells me they’re just being nice because it’s the PC thing to do. And my depression reminds me that I’m not worth it. In fact, that’s when the passive suicidal thoughts come in and say, you’re sooo not worth it. There are so many other people more deserving of this life than you are. It’s not as easy as accepting things with no side effects. There are side effects with EVERYTHING. And as much as I love and appreciate all of the support I get through my blog and in my life, no one gets it unless they suffer too.
So, to all of you who aren’t okay, that’s OK. Just take the time to get the help you need. Only you can try to lift your arm to the outstretched hand. Even when you think that no one cares and that if you were gone, no one would show up to your Memorial, I’m telling you, honey, I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. You’ve touched so many more lives than you know, and you have so many more to touch. Stick around to make that impact. You’re worth it.