I want to discuss something without judgment.
I want to discuss those terrible, intrusive thoughts that some of us are cursed with.
Suicidal thoughts. What people don’t understand is that just because someone (much like myself) has a fleeting suicidal thought does not necessarily mean they are suicidal. Grant it. It goes both ways. That person who is having these thoughts may very well be suicidal and need help from a trusted professional. But, for purposes of this post, I want to address the person like myself who is NOT AT ALL suicidal. But that doesn’t mean those thoughts don’t bully themselves into my brain.
I truly love my life and have so many amazing things ahead of me, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have the thoughts of how easy it would be to drive my car off of a ledge and take away all the inner pain that I battle everyday. I would NEVER do that. I do not want to end my life. It’s just that the pain that I push away all day at work and that I try to keep pushed away at home so I’m not a mopey mess around my future hubby and our fur children comes creeping up when I’m alone. Which is typically when I’m driving.
Keeping my pain and pure depression and self loathing is like keeping a bee in a jar. It bursts out the first chance it gets and it has fury like no other. You more than likely have no idea what I mean. And that’s okay. I don’t expect anyone to. But don’t be worried about me, and possibly another friend who is just like me. We want to live our lives. We love our lives. We love our family, our friends, our existence. But sometimes, the pain, hurt, sadness, and anxiety comes bursting through the seams.
Just love us. And let us know it’s okay to feel this way. You know you’re not going to lose us, remind us we aren’t going to lose you either.
If you are feeling suicidal and are scared or need help, please please please reach out. The suicide hotline is ALWAYS available. (877) 596-1272 🖤