“I don’t really like big crowds. I tend to shut people out. I like my space, yeah. But I’d love to have a soul mate, and God’ll give him to me someday, and I know it’ll be worth the wait.” -“Dear No One” by Tori Kelly
I have been listening to this song on repeat recently. I am not sure why. I think it helps me feel okay that I do not know what the future holds, and that it is okay that I am suffering right now because it will end up okay.
I am sorry I have not written in a while. I have been suffering more than I ever expected to again. I have not been this bad since my first semester of college when I first went on anti-depressants. Today is the first day in three weeks that I have eaten a full three meals. I hate to get out of bed. The only reason I end up going to class is because I need to get out of my school and graduate. I try to occupy myself by scheduling lunches with friends before classes, so I have a better reason to get out of bed than just to go to class. I sleep all the time. I will come home even for an hour to be able to lay in my bed in my dark basement. I am back on my anti-depressants and have been for about two weeks, but as I am sure some of you know, they do not start fully working for at least four weeks. I am trying to keep myself together, but it is so freaking hard. I hate feeling like this.
When I had my first major battle with the disease we call depression, I was not as well versed in the symptoms and effects of depression. I did not realize that my first semester freshman year when I lost 10 pounds dropping me below 100 pounds, that was a sign. That when I took every chance I got to get into my bed and sleep, that was a sign. That when I cried myself to sleep every night, that was a sign. Now, almost a completed B.A. Psychology degree later, I know these things. I have not been eating, I have been sleeping as much as humanly possible, I have no motivation, and I am often holding back tears. Knowledge is definitely a double edged sword.
I find myself retreating further and further into my head with each day that passes, and I know that is not good, but it’s my only way of survival right now. This retreating kills me a little bit because I love helping others and I love being social, but I have no energy. I do not like to talk to people. I do not like to sit with people, I just want to be in my bed. Alone. Forever. I know that sounds so dramatic and so attention-seeking, but to anyone who has suffered from depression, you probably understand. It’s more miserable than you can put words to. This whole disease is miserable.
Anyone who has seen me recently, with the exception of my sorority sisters who I disclosed all of this information to, you probably had no idea and that’s how I planned it to be. I pretend to be fine, and smile whenever I am around people I know. I do not need to tell you that I’m suffering more than I ever have. It’s not your load to carry, it is mine.
And now that I have had two major bouts of depression, I will most likely be on my medications for life. I am not sure how I feel about that, but I do not want to keep suffering like this, so I guess it is worth it.
I am sorry that I am not full of inspiring words right now, I am feeling pretty hopeless myself.
But if you are reading this and are suffering, know that it is okay to feel hopeless, but take it from someone in your shoes, there IS a light at the end. We will get there. It will just take some time and perseverance. Let’s kick this disease in the butt. But only whenever you’re ready. Take your time, I am not going anywhere.