So, these last 30 days have easily been some of the roughest and toughest 30 days of my life.
I keep waiting to hit rock bottom. I wish that I would just get there already. Every time I think I hit bottom, and begin to build my life back up, it’s like the ground is pulled from beneath me and I’m left to fall again. I’ve experienced some new lows such as losing the sport I loved for almost 16 years, and some repeating lows, getting dumped…again, and tons of other lows in between. I have to be honest. I’m so freaking sick of crying. So freaking sick of it. I wish my body would stop producing tears so they would stop rolling down my face. (If only that was possible!)
So, obviously after being broken up with today, I can officially say I feel depressed again. Good thing I’m going to see my therapist tomorrow. I am feeling very at a loss. I don’t know how much more I can take. I better get to rock bottom soon because I’m ready to start my rebuilding process. Which I know is a step in the right direction, but I feel like it’s a step I’m taking on molten lava rocks with no shoes or socks on my feet for protection.
Now, as a 22 year old woman who is going to be graduating, I need to focus on myself. But my problem is, I do not know how to focus on myself. My entire being revolves around helping other and focusing on others well-being that mine inevitably falls to the wayside.
With that being said, I’m going to do just that, put you all before myself. I wanted to write this post as an aid to anyone who has been recently (or even not so recently) broken up with.
First of all, I am sorry. It is super shitty. Like one of the worst things in life, shitty. I’ve been cheated on twice, fallen out of love with once, and now, this time, I was just not enough. Everything I do seems to be me not being “enough”. And I know many people that feel that way, but I need you to know, and I need to figure out for myself, that IT IS NOT OUR FAULT. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and IT IS NOT MY FAULT. Sorry for my hyper-capitalization, but I wanted to get my point across. Blaming yourself for others decisions is not what needs to be happening. I’m not saying you should blame the other person because blaming the other person is not going to make anything better, but DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. Whether you have been in my shoes as far as break ups, or maybe your shoes are even stinkier, you will get through this. I promise you that, despite how guarded your heart may be now (I sure as hell know my heart is going to hide away for what seems like forever), there will be another person. It will happen, eventually. I know that is hard to believe now. I personally do not want to think about ever being in a relationship ever again, but my head knows that is just not logical. I am a relationship person. I thrive in relationships, but that does not mean that I cannot learn to thrive outside of one. I know “I’m not the only one” who feels this way, and “I’m not the only one” who can succeed. You can too.
I get that this process will be hard, and it will freaking suck, but learning who I am, and who I want to be as an individual is worth it to me. I think it should also be worth it to you. Unless you’re a twin, you came into this world alone. Yeah, you had your mom’s help with the beginnings of life, and you’re damn right that I am as thankful as anything for that every day (love you with my arms all the way behind my back, Mom), but in the end we only have ourselves. We come in alone, we leave alone. Life is an individual process. You live with people, you date people, you love people, you celebrate with people, you disagree with people, you support people, you marry people, etc, but in all of these things, you’re still your own individual person. I know for a fact I need to learn how to be myself in an individual sense, and maybe, if you’re in a similar place as me, you need to learn that too. And even if you’re not, we can all learn something new about ourselves. We’re constantly changing, so there is constant learning to be done.
So, with that being said, I’m probably going to cry a little bit, then I’ll go to bed, and I will wake up tomorrow (or I guess today since it’s after midnight?), with a new sense of adventure. I’m going to go on an adventure to learn who I am. Do you want to join me in learning who you are?
Hope to see you soon.