Two days ago was my 22nd birthday. I appreciated everyone who wished me a “Happy Birthday”, and to all of the friends and family who gave me hugs, love, and presents. Despite all of these material and immaterial things, turning 22 still wasn’t all that great. I feel completely unaccomplished as a 22 year old. I’m still in college, have not done any psychological research, an internship, or really accomplished anything worth putting my name on. I do not even know if I’m going to get into any graduate programs, and I think that is what worries me the most. Among all of the changes that I am facing in my life right now, and the changes I will be facing in the coming months, the things that may not change scare me the most. What if I don’t get into any graduate programs? What will THAT say about me. What if I cannot find a full time job to hold me over until I can get into graduate school? I cannot work in my degree field without a masters. I was open to the possibility of taking a year or two off, but in reality, I want to do my career, and I need to get into a graduate program in order to do that.
Today was especially trying, but not for any reason other than I get too much into my own head. Nothing in particular was unmanageable, I just felt sad. I still feel sad. I do not know how to fix it, or how to battle it, but I need to figure it out. Leaning on other people is not working today. I cannot tell if I just need to cry myself to sleep, or if I need to do yoga, or meditate, all of those things, or maybe none of those things.
I just feel so empty. I thought after 3 months, I would not still feel empty, but I do, and let me tell you, it freaking sucks. I need to learn to do what a very close friend and sorority sister told me, and “embrace imperfection”. I hate to think that I cannot achieve perfection, but maybe that’s been my problem my whole life, is expecting too much from myself. I need to learn to love myself before I can even begin to look for anyone else to love me. So, here goes nothing, I guess. Who’s in? Learn to love yourself first, it’s going to be tough as shit, but maybe we can help each other.