“Sick of waking up in darkness when the sky is always painted blue.”
I have gone through a lot of changes, good and bad this past week. Not only that, but I have made some shitty choices. I have hurt someone that I care for, and I have hurt myself. I have shitty timing, and I made shitty decisions, but does that make me a shitty person? All of my friends I have discussed my issues with say no, but I’m feeling pretty shitty at the moment.
What makes me not a shitty person? I’ve hurt people, I’ve hurt myself, and I have made decisions I regret.
Without going into much detail, I just made a big decision for myself and it was selfish. But I felt like the quote above. I felt like prior to making this decision, I was continuously waking up hurting only to put on a smile for the whole world. Not that I haven’t put on a smile before and not that I don’t put on a face for everyone all the f***ing time. Because I do. And some people just do not get it. And frankly they never will. They may love me, but they’ll never understand.
I am finally really starting to down my dosage of meds, and don’t feel like I’m getting a ton of support. It feels like people don’t think this is good for me. They want me to make adult decisions and live like an adult, while they’re still telling me what is best for me. I hate to sound like a brat, but as an (almost) 22 year old, I feel like I am more than capable of making decisions for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate people’s input, but those people cannot have their cake and eat it too. They cannot tell me that I’m making poor life decisions and I need to act my age, all the while telling me I should stay on my meds. If I’m supposed to act like an adult, then I want to be treated like one.
Regardless of my little rant, I am determined to do this. I want to get off these meds because I think I am ready. I am ready to meet myself. The real me. The non-medicated me. The side of me that I show to everyone else; acting like I’m fine, and I’m normal. I’ve been faking who I am to EVERYONE for so long. It’s time to stop that. I need to learn to love myself, And I think I took the first step to loving myself tonight. I listened to my gut, and did what I needed to do for myself for the first time. For once, I thought of my feelings and my needs before someone else’s. Grant it, I got shit on for it, but life will go on. I will live. I am strong, and I can do it. So can you. Let’s be friends and keep each other accountable. Deal? Deal. Keep your head up.