“Little do you know how I’m breaking while you fall asleep. Little do you know I’m still haunted by the memories. Little do you know I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece. Little do you know, I need a little more time.”
I came across this song on Pandora radio this week since I am not a fan of Christmas music, I’ve been listening to anything I can in order to get away from all of those tiring Christmas tunes. This song is called “Little Do You Know” by Alex and Sierra and I can really relate to parts of this song. I’ve honestly cried to this song quite a few times while it’s been on repeat this week.
To begin, it’s been a really super duper shitty week. I’ve been bullied by a co-worker at work all week, which has really taken its toll. On top of the co-worker bullying me, as I’m sure many of you can imagine and relate to, working retail at this time of year consists of many customers being bullies as well. Lastly, on top of all of the bullies, as I have mentioned before, this time of year is super tough for me. Frankly, I dislike holidays. Recently they have seemed to bring me nothing but pain.
Writing this, I feel guilty because I have SOOOO much to be thankful for, but depression tends to cloud my judgement when it comes to that. I have a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, clothes on my back, a family that loves me, and friends that support me, and anything I could ever ask for, but I still feel sad. And feeling this way is super destructive. I am sure other people have felt this way. You feel depressed, then you feel guilty for feeling depressed because there are so many people out there who are worse off than you and that makes you even more depressed because you feel like you do not deserve everything you have. (If no one has felt this way, that is totally fine. I’m happy if others have not suffered from this destructive cycle).
I still have yet to find a way to break this cycle, but I’m sure as hell working on it. All I do now is tell myself that despite all of the ways I am blessed, I am still hurting, and I am still depressed and material things cannot change that. Nothing can change that except me. And dammit if this process of accepting my shortcomings and helping myself deal with my depression isn’t the hardest process known to man. I may be only 21 years old, but if I can survive this, then I am convinced I can do anything.
I’m sorry this post has been so scatter brained. I’m too confused and sad to make a whole lot of sense right now. To anyone who reads this, thank you. And to anyone who reads this, who might be suffering from depression, please take away the fact that it’s OKAY to have downs like this. And it’s OKAY to be sad like this. And it’s OKAY to be confused, scatterbrained, and just crying yourself to sleep. It happens. TO ALL OF US. You will get through this, and tomorrow is a new day. The sun rises everyday in an attempt to bring us a refreshed sense of life and living. Take advantage of that. If that means you got out of bed for the first time in a week just to see the sunlight, that is a huge accomplishment, and it’s a step forward. Baby steps are what guide you to giant leaps. And you will get to making giant leaps. I have made giant leaps, and then had to fall back to only taking baby steps. That’s not failure, its still progress, no matter how big or small it may seem. Keep your head up, you’re beautiful inside and out.