As I have mentioned in earlier posts, this time of year absolutely sucks for me. At this point, I don’t think it’s just the weather. I have a sun lamp to help with the lack of UV rays that my body receives. Most of the time at this point in the year, I am recently out of a relationship. And it sucks. Grant it, it sucks at all times of year, but around these winter holidays, I think it is the worst.
Recently, I have been feeling pretty lonely. I’m not sure exactly why I feel this way, but I do. I have talked with my therapist about it, and she has, without a doubt, brought me some clarity and some reassurance that I’m not alone, and one day, I hope I will find someone to spend the rest of my life with. That’s one of the amazing things about therapists. THEY HELP. They can offer an unbiased perspective, and contrary to popular belief, they ARE unbiased and they do not judge. Therapists merely assess your situation in order to try to help you clear some of the cobwebs that are tangled up in your brain, or in my case, my heart as well.
I know that many people probably think I sound pathetic talking about wanting to find someone to spend the rest of my life with when I’m only 21 years old, and judge as you may, but this is how I feel. I have always felt older than my physical age in years shows. Growing up, I always hung around the adults, and kept up conversations with the adults as opposed to playing immature games with the rest of the kids. I had no interest in that. I just wanted to be with my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other family members listening to real life conversations of adults with real life problems. (At this point, aka the age of 5, I should have realized Psychology should, for sure, be my major.)
I have had three semi-serious relationships in my life, and obviously, all have ended. Some ended with me being cheated on, and one ended with the other person just not loving me, but all of them ended because they were not meant to be. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason, whether it’s a shitty reason or not does not matter, it is still a reason.
In each of these three relationships, I felt I loved the person, and I gave 150% to each relationship because that’s how I am. I am not the kind of girl to half ass anything, and when I love, I love with every ounce of my being. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. Maybe that’s why my relationships never seem to work. If that’s it, then yeah, it sucks, but it’s the life I’m meant to live. I’m not going to change who I am just to make someone else happy. Especially at my own expense.
I guess the moral of this post is, loneliness comes and goes, and maybe I will be alone forever, or maybe I’ll find someone to put up with my quirks, but either way, being alone doesn’t always have to mean being lonely. If you’re like me, I have the support of multiple people. And if you’re not like me, then you have my love and support. And maybe one day, we’ll all realize that maybe we’re enough.